When men get tattoos they are unique and meaningful. Men get tattoos like Waldo riding a comet across their backs, or two girls in bikinis lifting an anchor. That’s awesome. How about a Chinese character that means “bad ass”? Oh yea. Very manly. When women get tattoos it’s always the same shit: a rose on the boob that you’re not supposed to look at, or a target on the ass.

If men were as predictable and promiscuous as women when they got tattoos, every man would have a giant money sign tattooed on his bicep.

“Where’s my tattoo you ask? Let me show you. Hrrk.”

Fortunately for everyone men have a little thing called class.

Tattoos have always been a man thing. All the way back to a time when men were out hunting and gathering and women hadn’t yet learned to speak. What a paradise — the quiet, nag-less utopia of the prehistoric man. That’s when tattoos started. I imagine men invented them in order to proudly display how many wooly mammoths they’d slain in battle. That might not be true, but it’s enough to demonstrate why women have no place in the realm of the painted flesh.

Just like in finance and science, when women get involved in a man thing it’s painfully obvious that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Here’s an example: Tinkerbelle on the hip. Now this is a real tattoo that I have seen on a real woman — and not a stripper mind you, an actual woman walking down the street. Trust me, it wasn’t a stripper walking down the street. Here’s my question: what in the fuck does Tinkerbelle have to do with anything? What is the statement here?

When a man gets a tattoo, he’s making a statement. In the case of Waldo, a man is saying, “Where’s Waldo? I’ll tell you where Waldo is. He’s right the fuck here riding a giant comet in your face.” And that is a perfectly fine thing to say. It’s lets the world know what the score is first step onto the pitch. Man: 1, World: 0.

Now what does some goofy pseudo-Indian design on a woman’s lower back say? I’m in touch with the spirit of nature? Maybe, but probably no. How about, look at my lower back please; I need tons of attention. Getting warmer, but still no. Give up? Here’s what it says:

I’m decoration.

Women have don’t have enough philosophy or personality on which to base a tattoo. That’s why they suck at getting them. That’s also why women love Hallmark so fucking much. Because it’s a bunch of prepackaged kitsch shit that defines every essence of their being in a two sentence limerick, a hunk of porcelain with oversized eyes, or a 2×4 reprint of Monet. Women are Hallmark. They’re way overpriced and none of them do a goddamn thing.

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