We all know women hate sex because they’re lousy at it. The missionary position proved that long before I was on Earth cracking the whip on the ass of women all over the place.

But why else do women hate the Horizontal Mambo? I’m a man so I don’t know the meaning of the word “stop” or “enough is enough”. That’s why we have things like cars and automatic pistols. If women ran the world we would have stopped after inventing a pile of wood and right before lighting it on fire.

Enough is enough! You already stacked all that wood!

Men are all about the extra mile.

Women hate the Beast with Two Backs because it takes the iron-fisted, tight-assed control over they crave over their lives and chucks it against the rocks. It also says ‘fuck you,’ at the same time like it’s really rubbing it in there for good measure. There’s only one thing women love more than diamonds, drama, and abusive boyfriends; and that’s control. As a man and having the natural inclination towards math that women lack, you can put 2 and 2 together: women hate fucking.

Men don’t need that delusion of control. We don’t live our lives in fantasy worlds where animals are children and genetics and ill-fitting trousers cause fatness over Frappaccinos and gold brickery. We men are perfectly happy no matter how things turn out because we know we did our man-best. We are the best so we did our best. It only makes sense.

That’s why men like fast cars, loose women, and short conversations. You might smash into a cliff or get your wallet stolen at any moment — or you might get yourself into a hilarious misunderstanding! The only thing you know for sure is that you’ll be on the move. That means progress.

Women need to feel like they have control over their lives because they don’t want responsibility over anything. They’re all children, and growing up for women is exactly like what you think would happen to those captive dolphins if they released any of them into the wild.

You know what I’m talking about? Probably — because you’re a man. Women are always bitching and moaning about dolphins and animals in zoos, but anyone with a brain knows from a mile away that those creatures would be completely fucked in the wild. That’s women without their precious rules and control. It’s like how your mother told you not to eat cookies and Kool-Aid all day when you were little because it would wreck your appetite. Fuck it. I’ll wreck my appetite if my desires incline me to do so. Then I’ll deal with the consequences. How bad could they be? I’m a man so I can handle anything life throws at me.

And that’s the point. That’s why we men like making the Bedroom Banjo and women don’t. We do what we want. We don’t shirk responsibility for our desires and we make our own rules.

We also don’t need our mothers telling us what to do when we’re thirty. That’s the last thing you need at that age; a woman telling you what to do.

This entry was posted under The MANifesto.