Wasting things is pretty much the manliest thing you can do. Resources, women, food — hell sometimes I buy two lunches and throw one in the street just to remind myself of how brimmingly full my man cup is with macho maleness.

If you’ve never thrown a sandwich into the street, I highly recommend it. Unless you’re a woman. In that case you should eat it because no man wants to fuck a skeleton who can’t cook. Then do yourself a favour and hit a treadmill, you leviathan.

Wait for it. Wait for it. 3…2…1…

That shrill, donkey sound you just heard was a billion women shrieking their heads off at the idea of wasting fucking anything at all. I know you don’t need proof of that because all men know that the only reason a refrigerator ever needed cleaning was because of women. Take a woman out and she’ll save every goddamn scrape of food on her plate like a chipmunk with fucked up hair hording nuts for the winter. When the fuck and who the fuck is going to eat a fourth of a Cobb Salad? You can bet your ass it’s not going to be her because — another thing — women also won’t ever eat the same thing two days in a row. They’ve got the memory of goldfish when it comes to their fuckups, but their diet is like a snowflake. It can never be the same thing twice and it’s only beautiful in theory. In reality snowflakes are crappy, pudgy looking lumps in the gutter. I think the correlation is obvious.

Men don’t pull that crap. We throw leftovers away just like we throw everything away: Fuel, Relationships, Superbowls if we’re also the coach of the Raiders. That’s because men are about focusing on the future. We eat, we enjoy, and we move on. We don’t drink coffee and jaw-jack about that time we “empowered ourselves” in the backseat of some filthy Frenchman’s Peugeot on vacation two weeks after we got divorced. No we don’t. While we’re drinking coffee, we’re erecting things that can touch the fucking moon. Buildings…whatever.

Just like all men I know that you can never waste too much. What’s the downfall of wasting too much? If we men choose to waste all the gas on Earth, so the fuck what? We’ll just invent more gas or invent Flintstone cars or something. The point is that as men we don’t give a shit because we’re used to pulling the collective ass of our species out of the fire. We can do it in our sleep.

As a corollary, can you save too much? Can not wasting be dangerous? Is wasting necessarily better than hording trinkets and toys like a destitute carnival worker?

Let me give a great example of how reckless women are as packrats — besides the huge number of house fires they cause every year.

Think you’re having a good time with your new girlfriend who is miraculously different than all other women? Think your erection is having a good time? Yea. Go to her closet and ask her what’s in the meticulously fucking labeled shoeboxes. Also if you answered ‘Yes’ to either of those questions, don’t read that last paragraph.

This entry was posted under Wallow in It.