In the previous section of Dick Masterson’s Guide to Manly Dating, I covered the all-important where of dating.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the greatest mountain climber in the northern hemisphere, if you’re trying to beat the world record in the Bonneville Flats, you’re shit out of luck. That’s why I covered where first. It’s the most important. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best player in the world, if you’re trying to sell premium sausage at a pie eating contest, you’re shit out of fuck.

In addition to being one of the most crude sentences ever written, that last thought is also one of the most poignant. [Read more]

I personally cannot stand the topic of dating. Dating is something that silly people who think they have a treasure box between their thighs haven’t mastered by the age of 19.

That’s right, I’m talking about women.

But since I do get a lot of questions from young men on this topic — and since I feel as though I am a role model for each of them — I am going to take this entire Valentine’s Day week and even some of next week to talk about how to date in a manly way.

Rule #1: Don’t do it. [Read more]

I was at the doctor’s office a few days ago getting my hand X-rayed after punching this fuck-head in the throat during the Super Bowl, and I learned an interesting statistic.

88% of women wash their hands after using the restroom.
66% of men do the same.

Urine is sterile, fellows and gentleman. You’re washing your hands too goddamn much. [Read more]

When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients.

Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one was a criminal and each was moxier and manlier than the last.

What I don’t think about when I think of world class law breaking, is some ranting bitch trying to scream her way out of a parking ticket. Men invented the law. It’s no wonder men are better than women at breaking it.

Also, God gave women tits to get out of traffic tickets. Not lungs and certainly not brains. [Read more]

They told me it was impossible. They told me it was too expensive. They told me it was the stupidest thing they’d ever heard.

They were wrong.

Hold onto your man beans, fellows and gentlemen, while I present the ultimate plan for the ultimate fund raiser: The Man Billboard.

Screaming at a woman is like running on a treadmill. It’s not going to get you anywhere because women are as dense as lead shit, and it’s a loss of Man Points.

Wasting time is a loss of Man Points.

Women understand a good screaming at as much as a dog. You could sound like a logical jet engine, but the yap won’t shut, the budget won’t be learned, and the shoes will still get eaten. Turn it up to 11 if you want, but know that your Engine of Correction is powered on burning Man Points.

Also, according to a new study, screaming at your wife or girlfriend is good for your health — just like running on a treadmill. Maybe it’s not such a waste of time after all. [Read more]

This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.

Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?

Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:

“glthk”

If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn. [Read more]

Valentine’s Day is the natural extension of a sickness that has befouled the female race since the beginning of time. That sickness is called gimmie-ism: an insatiable hunger for free shit no matter what the context. If a woman sees it, she wants it and she doesn’t care how she gets it.

That’s why men wear neckties. They’re a subtle, visual reminder of The Penis.

Women are like zombies with romantic knick-knacks and other sentimental trash. Zombie pigs. No matter what the reason for it is, if it reeks of love and it’s in front of her, a woman will consume it with a maximum of grunting and moaning. Enter Valentine’s Day; a day that appeals to anyone who appreciates a gift given out of obligation and resent.

No woman would be as happy with the same gifts given on February 15th. Whatever percentage of happiness is lost is the exact percentage of “cunt” that woman is.

Fuck the “spirit of giving”. A woman would appreciate a gift pried out of your cold, dead hands. A woman would appreciate a gift pried out of the cold, dead hands of the child who mined it and mounted it on a ring. A woman would feel special at a wedding even if she was pregnant.

Every time you see a woman at a bar without a drink, know that she’s got a rampant case of gimmie-ism. She’ll die of thirst if someone doesn’t pay the requisite 10.50 plus tip for a chance to brush against one of her tits.

Enjoy these man Valentine’s Day cards and remember that Valentine’s Day is on Wednesday February 14th.