Men invented languages once our thought processes evolved beyond the scope of expression of grunts and pointing. That never happened for women. Anything a woman ever thinks about or says can be expressed in sounds horses and pigs make; namely squealing and donkey hee-haws. If you need proof of that just listen to a woman when you’re driving at a perfectly acceptable distance away from the center divider on the auto-freeway, or if you’re about to run a red light. She’ll start donkey hee-hawing like the best of them.

Women can’t speak as well as men. They don’t know what the fuck any words mean and they can’t stick their thoughts together well enough to make sentences that make points. Women’s thoughts are like sticks of butter. You can throw them around and make a big mess, but nothing’s going to stick. [Read more]

Shaving is one of the most manly things there is — so is not shaving. Actually that’s the definition of manly: the ability to do something or not do something at your own prerogative and then the decision whether or not to do it. That will work for today anyway.

You see, growing up as a man you learn that during life decisions have to be made and it’s your role as a man to make them. Who the fuck else is going to do it? A woman? Let’s not be fatuous. Women are functionally retarded.

And that’s exactly what I say when I hear a woman telling a man how he needs to shave. Are you being fatuous? She rarely is. [Read more]

Halloween is a holiday invented by men for the purposes of having a good time. There’s candy for the kids, general mayhem and hedonism for the adults and forgive and forget attitudes all around. You can do whatever you want on Halloween and no one cares. That’s the way it’s always been and as long as shrill, big nosed women are kept out of things that’s the way it will always be. Halloween is what Christmas was supposed to be before women forced stores to put the decorations on sale in September.

Women suck at Halloween. [Read more]

I was reading an interesting book this week called “Freakonomics”. I’m a man so I try to read as much as one book a week. Women do something similar except instead of MacBeth it’s McCall’s and instead of Satre it’s Seventeen. Just like you are what you eat, you are what you read; and women are disposable trash that you can pick up in the grocery line or the street corner. Either way it’s the same price.

The book “Freakonomics” posed the interesting theory that crime took a downfall in the 90’s because of legalized abortions fifteen years earlier. That got me to thinking.

Unwanted babies cause crime? Maybe. I’ll bite on that. If that’s the case then unwanted babies are probably unplanned babies, and unplanned babies come from unprotected sex. Now who’s fault is it that people are having unprotected sex?

Women. Unprotected sex is 100% women’s fault. [Read more]

I thought of a brilliant plan to make a Hollywood disaster film last night. And I don’t mean a disaster film like with tornados and an attacking horde of Stay Puf’t Marshmallow Men. I mean a disaster film as in a massive box office failure. A film in which no dollars are recouped. A failure so bad that cash pours out of the bank like someone’s broken the dyke.

Are you ready for it? Here’s the idea.

Have a woman star in the lead role. [Read more]

There are few things in life that will cost you more Man Points than locking your keys in your car. Running for any reason is one of those things because men do not run. We take care of business with due diligence and direction, but also without a flagrant lack of self respect. Unless we’re talking about last call here. In that case running is totally fine.

Holding the door open for another man instead of flipping it outwards at the last second? Yep, that will cost you even more Man Points than running. And fumbling in your pocket for your keys at the car instead of having them out well before hand would be even worse.

One of the most flagrant fouls and most expensive of loses of Man Points, however, would be not locking your own keys in your car, but someone else’s. And that is exactly what I did this weekend in a Hindenburg sized catastrophe of burning Man Points. Angels wept and the heavens opened forth in shame as the door’s vacuum seal closed shut behind me. Truly I have never felt so bad.

Thank goodness they don’t let women work at the Auto Club — or else we’d all still be sitting in the fucking parking lot waiting for the lady locksmith to unlose herself. [Read more]

When men get tattoos they are unique and meaningful. Men get tattoos like Waldo riding a comet across their backs, or two girls in bikinis lifting an anchor. That’s awesome. How about a Chinese character that means “bad ass”? Oh yea. Very manly. When women get tattoos it’s always the same shit: a rose on the boob that you’re not supposed to look at, or a target on the ass.

If men were as predictable and promiscuous as women when they got tattoos, every man would have a giant money sign tattooed on his bicep.

“Where’s my tattoo you ask? Let me show you. Hrrk.”

Fortunately for everyone men have a little thing called class. [Read more]

We all know that men are better than women at everything; I’ve discussed and proved many reasons why on this site. Men are stronger. Men are smarter. Men are able to put their thoughts into words in order to communicate whereas women can’t mentally hold onto anything that isn’t sparkly or fluffy.

It’s true. Men are the super adhesive man-glue that holds society together by the seat of its ass, and women are that crappy sticky strip that holds Post It notes on your computer screen. They won’t stick to anything and goddamn if you’ll ever get that strip of gummy residue off your monitor, but at least you remembered Carole’s bullshit birthday party is in the lunchroom in 5 minutes. Fantastic. [Read more]