I buy a lot of drinks for people when I go out. Strangers, people sitting at the bar, even the bar tenders themselves. It’s important to me that everyone is able to quench their thirst as quickly as possible. I’m a man and that’s in my providing nature. It’s also huge amounts of Man Points. I’ll lose a dozen for forcing my way to the front of the bar in the first place, but then I reverse gain them with a multiplier with free drinks all around. Man Points are like that. Tempestuous.

What I’ve noticed over the years is that men are quite thankful to be purchased a drink. They will engage you in friendly conversation — even if you don’t want to be engaged. Women, however, are awful and rude just like usual. When I gave it some thought, I realized that it’s not because they aren’t actually grateful for the drink. No, no. Women guzzle down their free alcohol like out of work carney’s outside of a liquor mart.

What I realized is that women show no gratitude when having drinks purchased for them because they are obsessed with sex! [Read more]

Here’s a fun rainy day man-tivity; open up a magazine or your old high school yearbook and try to find what all the women smiling back at you have in common.

I’m not talking about the fact that they all gave up their dreams within five years of taking that picture or that the model in the magazine gave up something else five hours before taking that picture. I’m talking about something else.

Give up? They all look fake as shit. [Read more]

Oh yes, that’s right. That’s what I said. And I said it because it’s true. All women are cheaters.

I don’t mean this to be a provocateur or to prance around in the realm of the hypothetical like some kind of dandy. I mean, flat out, that every woman in the world is a cheater, has cheated, and is probably cheating at this very moment.

Getting a woman to cheat on her husband or significant other is not like getting a woman to go to the gym — by heaping shitloads of gifts and attention on her like a spoilt child and then ultimately getting no burn for your earn. Getting a woman to cheat is like getting a duck to eat bread crumbs or a rat to eat rubbish. All you have to do is toss it in front of their face. [Read more]

When you think of a woman, you think of a shrill harpy whirring around the house with a duster and a vacuum cleaner under the watchful eye of some imaginary deity of clutter. One errant bill or remote control earns her an eternity of stacking in the Trash Yard of Damnation. That’s how I see it anyway. A tornado of nerves frantically stacking the debris of everyday life into neat little piles and shoving them into drawers like a five year old with learning disability on a reverse scavenger hunt.

That’s what women call cleaning. Women can’t clean for shit. [Read more]

It’s part of human nature to go through a midlife crisis. You’re old, you’re bald, you’re comfortable in your job and your marriage; the only thing that will cure your woes is a brand new convertible.

Notice how I didn’t say “affair”. That’s how women go through their midlife crises. Men buy a cool new toy to toot around town with — maybe ruffle the feathers of the establishment as they blow through yellow lights at 65 miles an hour. Women fuck up their families. [Read more]

Lying is one of the manliest things that you can do. It’s so manly that it’s worth two hundred Man Points just like that — getting away with it anyway. On the scale of man-ness, that puts lying right up with making a disgusted face when someone tries to give you money for something and throwing sandwiches in the street for the hell of it. Oh yea. Lying is great.

In this modern world, we men have evolved with the understanding that a lie is usually the most efficient way to resolve a problem. That’s why men don’t have any problems with being lied to or doing it. If a man ever catches another man in a lie his first response is always, “Okay, but why’d you lie?” He’s genuinely asking. That isn’t some woman-gambit bullshit where no matter what you say you’re fucked. Like, “Do you think Angelina Jolie is hot?”

Fucking of course I think Angelina Jolie is hot. Everyone does. If you totaled up all the money every guy on Earth would pay to fuck her, you could build a golden rocket ship out of clay and sunshine that carried all the fourth graders on Earth to a magical land of faeries and wizards. Don’t ask stupid questions! [Read more]

I was coming back to the office from a late lunch today and much to my dismay the elevators were broken. At least they probably were. They were taking way too long so I took the stairs. In the stairwell, there was a small piece of paper on the landing.

“Paper?” I said. “On the ground?”

Now, I swear that this absolutely true. The paper said the following:

Issues
1. Smoking
2. Drinking
3. Never Listens

Tap dancing shit! I thought. I know exactly what this is. [Read more]

I was pulling up to a gas pump yesterday that a woman was just leaving and when I got out of the car a shrill female voice shouted across the gas station, “What the fuck!” It was the very same woman who had just gotten back into her car and pulled away.

“Yea?” I said. She again repeated, “What the fuck!”

That’s how women solve problems. They stop whatever they’re doing and scream obscenities until someone refills their bottle. That’s also why little girls shouldn’t swear, because as they grow up, they’ll be frothing at the mouth to do so. [Read more]