It’s winter time and that means it’s the season for many of man’s favorite things. Tight sweaters (for obvious reasons), loose sweaters (for putting on those extra pounds), and fire.

I was starting a fire just last night when it occurred to me. I have never seen a woman start a fire.

I don’t think a woman ever has. [Read more]

I mentioned at some point in the not so distant man-past that a woman’s brain works better while it’s being consumed by venereal disease. That was only half true though. It turns out that women’s brains also work much better while they’re pregnant!

Again we see that good old Napoleon had women pegged from the get go.

“Women are only meant for making babies.” -Napoleon

And now science supports that claim. It’s like when you read about ancient astronomers who figured out the distance from the Earth to the moon using only telescopes and their wits. That’s Napoleon and sociology. He was a prophet. [Read more]

Men are better than women at crossing the street. Crossing the goddamn street.

At some point in the grand discourse of men and their being better than women, it’s not the new techniques which women employ to make spectacles and embarrassments of themselves. It’s the way their natural incompetence manifests itself in daily life. Or is that at every point in the discourse? Who cares.

Take something like a bag of shit. We can all agree that a bag of shit is a vile and bad thing, and not as good as say an orange or a bag of oranges — or a pair of oranges in sack. I think we know what I’m talking about. [Read more]

It’s a little known fact that 100% of “lesbian” relationships are abusive. I saw a Law and Order: Criminal Intent on the subject just last week. It raised some interesting questions in my sub-manconscious. That’s the male only version of the subconscious that does more than think about penises and wishing it had one. It thinks about getting the fucking job done.

Men are better than women at beating women. Don’t believe me? I have a quick way to fix that. [Read more]

How can I tell if the woman I’m with is a slut?

I get asked a lot of questions about women, especially by men. After all, when someone goes to the trouble of making business cards that say “MenAreBetterThanWomen”, they must know what they’re talking about. And I do.

Of them all, this is the question that comes up the most, “How can I tell if my date is a slut.” That’s why I’m going to start my new column “Ask Dick” off with this boffo box office best-seller.

There are three easy ways you can tell if a woman is a slut. [Read more]

I recently had the misfortune of speaking with a highly ranking NOW member. At least that’s what she said. She couldn’t, however, explain to me exactly how one could rank highly in an organization like NOW. It’s like being a captain of the Swedish Submarine Brigade or the CEO of Armpit Fart Noises Inc. Seriously, what the fuck?

I raised several valid points about women being catastrophes and hazards to have in any level of government or under employ in any position where showcasing their sexuality was not the main job skill. I’m not talking about just prostitutes either. There are plenty of jobs where women exploit their sexuality: sales ladies, bar ladies, school teachers.

Why the fuck else would so many women teach? Because it’s easy? [Read more]

If women could be worst at anything (and they can’t because each new thing they do or repeat doing they are the new worst at) it would be measuring. Women are so bad at it, they couldn’t measure a ruler. That’s why if you ask a woman how big some random size is, she’ll either present her forearm or point to a football field. It makes absolutely no fucking difference what you asked.

I mean, six inches is huge, but not that huge. [Read more]

Not everyone in the world can be a Cary Grant or a Carey Elwis — a Jim Carrey? No, this finely tuned machine man invented and named Civilization takes gears of grit and wear as well. It takes men who look like they’ve been punched in the face or fell down a tree into a wheelbarrow full of pool balls. It takes ugly.

It happens, and when it does we men don’t care about it. We don’t care about it so much that women don’t care about it either. Look at Vigo Mortensen. Women love him and he’s ugly as shit.

It’s too bad no women can say the same. [Read more]