Manstory — a lot like history except consisting only of the parts that matter — can be a funny thing. But it can also be a learning thing.

For example, did you know the pubs of Britain close so early because of World War II? It’s true. Pubs and bars were ruled to close at 11 o’clock so munitions workers would be up bright and early for work the next morning. It’s bullshit, but now we know the problem. Now we can work our mighty man muscles together toward a solution.

By the way, here’s the solution:

There is no more fucking World War II.

Problem solved. What’s the next one?

How about that Manstory also unravels the age old mystery of why women can’t shut the fuck up for five fucking seconds. [Read more]

Remember a time in history when women didn’t trip all over themselves to be the first to talk about their dildo collection at a social engagement. Fuck. It’s getting to the point where an office birthday cake can set the harpies off on a ten minute discourse on the best boyfriend they ever had — and still do have.

I have two words for that: ina-fucking-ppropriate.

That’s two words. I just mixed them together. [Read more]

I received this email today from a woman reader by the name of Kelly who, like most women, is allergic to grammar and capital letters. Instead of printing her thoughts out and wiping my ass with them as I enjoy doing with all female inquiries and any other emails that should have been written with an e-crayon, I decided to answer it on this month’s Ask Dick.

i don’t know what has happened to you, maybe you are just some single man, (which, by reading some of your articles, i would bet good money on)…

If I weren’t too manly to know that obnoxious little configuration of commas and colons that looks like its rolling its eyes, I would type it here — but I am so I cannot. [Read more]

Men are more responsible than women when it comes to anything. Having unprotected sex for example; have you ever heard a woman ask the following:

Are you on the pill? Why the fuck not, you’re about to have sex?

No. First of all, women don’t think like that until it’s too late. That’s why they’re so vocal about men thinking only with their penises. It merely betrays the power of their own frantic sexual desires. That’s called hysteria and for every ten knocked up women on Earth hysteria caused nine of them.

Secondly, if there was a pill for men, every man in the world would eat them like Tic Tacs — the white Tic Tacs. Why the fuck not indeed. [Read more]

Women are the worst sports in history. Fuck. If you want to go from ‘having a great day’ to ’embarrassed for humanity’ in a fraction of a second, just pull a practical joke on a woman and get ready for a Fujiwara Force Fucking Five hissy fit. Hide the silverware before you do unless you want your face pierced.

So why can’t women take jokes as well as your money? Is it because their souls are black and cheap and make them attribute all practical jokes to spite and malice as they would have intended them on others? Is it because women have no self-esteem and assume anyone who’s laughing is laughing at them along with twenty other people who are going to hear the story later?

Nope.

It’s because women have a stick up their ass. [Read more]

Here’s a myth that has beguiled even the most brilliant of business men over the last decade:

You have to be successful to stay in business.

Not at first obviously. Businesses can’t be like men and just start kicking ass right out of the gate like champion thoroughbred horses. Businesses are more like women — that’s why men and business go together so perfectly and why a woman can’t ever properly satisfy a business in bed. They just don’t have the right equipment: brains. [Read more]

Anorexia Nervosa has been a big problem for women for decades. It should be about ten times bigger than it is though. What good is a woman who isn’t at least trying to be skinny as fuck?

Granted all men’s tastes are different and of equal value, but it’s obvious to me as a man the natural inclination for women is squewed toward big fat fuck — and that I have a problem with. So what do women do? Stop eating?

No. Women can’t even do that right. [Read more]

Women involved in any level of government other than putting the spun gold that comes out of men’s mouths onto paper or making the fucking coffee is a blueprint to disaster. Not a disaster like being two hours late to a party because you took the wrong freeway and then hit a watermelon truck because your wife can’t read directions either. This is a disaster like burning sulfur raining from the sky or lava shooting all the fuck over the place. That’s a biblical manner of shit.

Women with any kind of power means civilization is about to be proper fucked. That’s the battle we fight as men, constantly pulling the human race back from the edge of nothing with one hand tied behind our backs because we’re goddamn men and that’s how we do everything: easily. [Read more]