There has never been a good woman magician. Sure, women are important to magic, but that’s just like women are important to office work; they can wear short skirts.

Men are better than women at being showmen, but that doesn’t explain why there has never ever been a good woman magician. Surely Oprah could pop a trick or two out of her fat ass every once in a while. How about Ellen? Turning Anne Heche straight again was a pretty good trick wasn’t it? Or miracle. [Read more]

Women are killing me.

I mean that figuratively, like when you tell a woman to change the channel from her stupid bullshit and she asks you which remote is for the TV for the fuck-hundredth time.

The TV doesn’t change the channel. The fucking cable box does!

That’s figuratively killing me. Women are also literally killing me. [Read more]

Do you know that women don’t use sizes for their clothing in the same way men do?

I just found this out and it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Apparently, women are allergic to using inches to describe their fat asses. From the gender that brought you concealer, vanishing cream, and pants in the first place, why am I even surprised? [Read more]

Writing scientifically why men are better than women are always my favorite articles. In science, there’s no room for emotion. That’s not why women are lousy at science though. Women are shit at science because they have the attention spans and brains of little girls.

When did the myth even start that women act like they do (like bitches) because they’re “more emotional” than men? Does it not take emotion to die for your country and for freedom?

Well I think it fucking does. It takes a hell of a lot more emotion than what it takes to act like a cunt because someone forgot to pick up jam at the store. [Read more]

We all know women hate sex because they’re lousy at it. The missionary position proved that long before I was on Earth cracking the whip on the ass of women all over the place.

But why else do women hate the Horizontal Mambo? I’m a man so I don’t know the meaning of the word “stop” or “enough is enough”. That’s why we have things like cars and automatic pistols. If women ran the world we would have stopped after inventing a pile of wood and right before lighting it on fire.

Enough is enough! You already stacked all that wood!

Men are all about the extra mile. [Read more]

Women like to argue.  They love it because it’s one of the few things in life where fucking up at it gets you more.

Take pies for example.  If you go into a restaurant and try to serve the waitresses a pie with your face they’re probably not going to serve you another one.

Arguing is different.  The less listening (women refer to this as “not talking”) you do, the more you get to do it.  For women it’s like a pint that’s got a treasure map to a free pint on the bottom.  Holy shit, I wonder if that’s patented. [Read more]

There’s a myth as old as men’s desire to un-invent pants.

Women’s stories have no fucking point.

While that is a man-fact — meaning it is true as far as a man immediately understands and knows true things to be true without a lot of dicking around with proofs and facts and other such nonsense; it is not a true fact.

The true fact of it is women’s stories have too many points. [Read more]

I made a rule with myself one summer when I was quite a bit younger. I won’t bore you with the story because it’s not all that funny or interesting and I’m a man and not a woman. Women will sit around all day and tell the most boring stories in the world back and forth like a pair of mimes playing ping pong.

Actually I take that back. A story implies some kind of a goddamn point. No woman has ever had one of those. [Read more]