Ask any gay person this and he’ll tell you the same thing: “lesbians” are all fucking faking it.

“Lesbianism” is like being an animal rights activist (and also being a woman). Are those Prada shoes made out of fake leather? Is that Ortho Tri Cyclen (AKA Super Whore Pills) not made of bear bile? Wasn’t Hitler a vegetarian?

If you thought about any of those questions, you just lost a hundred Man Points. [Read more]

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.

And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents. [Read more]

A lot of men (and women) ask me why women have the right to vote and, since they very much do have it, why hasn’t some kind of enormous planet sized croquet mallet smashed the Earth into the fucking sun.

The truth of it is that the Earth is in good condition because women don’t have the right to vote. They don’t; they never have; and they never fucking will. [Read more]

I’m going to conclude my week’s presentation of the world’s manliest man men with the manliest man man of all.

You. [Read more]

Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?

No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.

Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why. [Read more]

I only had to watch the Colbert Report a few times to realize Stephen Colbert deserved a spot of honor among the Manliest Man Men of our day.

Please note this is not to be confused with the Manliest Man Men of all time. I don’t know who the third Manliest Man Man of all time would be. Maybe Ghengis Khan? Steve McQueen? Steve McQueen is like a super manly man wearing a kilt. He’s wearing a fucking skirt, but he’s so manly it’s called a kilt and furthermore it’s the basis for the whole Scottish culture.

The only way Steve McQueen could be more manly was if his name was Fairy McWoman. [Read more]

I’m kicking off a week of articles on manly man men today. Manly man men who excel in the field of manness at all times; not only above and beyond my own man standards (mandards), but by kicking the shit out of theirs as well.

That’s what being a man is all about: surprising yourself. I surprise myself ten times a day at least.

I’ve also surprised myself by starting this week of articles on a Friday. Do you think a week of Manly Man Men could be contained in 7 days? I don’t fucking think so. [Read more]

I heard about something called ED last night. Apparently that stands for Erectile Dysfunction and it’s a problem for some fabricated percentage of men.

It should be called SW not ED. That stands for Shitty Wife because if you have ED, there’s a 100% chance that you also have an SW or perhaps an ESW. [Read more]