The following question was sent to me by a reader Erik.

Here in America prostitution is illegal, yet pornography is completely okay so long as all participants are eighteen and over. This is what confuses me: Is pornography (that is to say, intercourse between two parties) not the same as prostitution?

Why is prostitution illegal?

Good question, Erik. Now prepare your mind for a mantomic explosion of answer.

Prostitution is illegal because women hate the fuck out of each other. [Read more]

After seeing The 300 again, I’ve decided on what I find to be manliest feature of this film.

Anything a man needs to decide can be done in a maximum of five days. Men are better at deciding than women and I’ve just demonstrated this — with gusto. Women will spend six, ten, sometimes they spend their entire fucking lives deciding on the easiest of shit. And worse yet, after they’ve decided and done it, they’ll spend their entire lives re-deciding!

Then they’ll protest in front of abortion clinics. How silly.

The manliest part of The 300 is that the movie gives women a chance to shine. [Read more]

I was watching The 300 again last night and I realized something.

Boy was I right when I said The 300 is the most important movie any man will ever see in his life. In fact, I didn’t even know how right I was.

That happens to me all the time. [Read more]

If you haven’t seen this movie called The 300, then you need to do it immediately. As a man, it might be the most important film you ever see.

The message of The 300 is clear from the first ten seconds — ten seconds that don’t fuck around at all even for one of those seconds.

Are you a man? Awesome. Are you a woman? Fuck you.

Men are better than women. [Read more]

diamatik has sent me the following question:

Dick, why do women hate porn?

Oh boy do they ever. And what’s worse than a woman who hates porn? A woman who loves porn. That’s a man-bear trap set loose in the conjugal bedroom that you just can’t miss!

“You know what would be exciting? We should watch some porn.�?

“Really?�?

Guilty! Not if you want to have sex you shouldn’t! Women hate porn because men are better than women. [Read more]

A few days ago, I was struck with a chilly sensation that went directly from my balls to my brain. That sensation is called a manpiphany, and as a man I get these manpiphanies all the time. It’s like menopausal women and hot flashes. The only difference is someone still wants to fuck me.

Within a manpiphany is a universe of thought and invention. Manpiphanies are why men are closer than women to God. One day, I invented both fire and the wheel in separate manpiphanies. I doubled my Man Points. Lucky for me, some man had already invented them both several thousand years ago. I had lots of other shit to do and getting that job done myself would have been a caveman-sized pain in my ass.

My latest manpiphany told me that men are better than women at being coaches. Sports coaches, life coaches, coach drivers; you name it, if you can stick ‘coach’ in it, men are better than women. [Read more]

A reader, Joey, sent me the following question.

How’s it going, Mr. Masterson? Straight to my man point, what the hell is the deal with young women who say that they don’t care about looks and want to settle with a man who cares for them, loves the, etc? These are freakin’ 15-17, 18 year old girls talking. What the hell are they settling down from? They’re reaching the age where they practice whore-crafts like fucking and sucking. You get my point.

Of course I get your point. If I didn’t get your point from that well-laid mansplanation, then I would have to be a woman. And then what would I do with my penis?

Use it as an ATM I guess. That’s all women seem to know what to do with them. [Read more]

If I wrote a guide to life, it would like this:

Dick Masteron’s Guide to Life

1. Shut up.
2. Get the job done.

In the end, that’s why women are such failures. Step 1, shutting up, is an impossible hurdle for their overloaded female brains. Even if their grey matter wasn’t water-logged with puppies and posting cute actors on their fucking MySpace page, women still couldn’t shut the fuck up. They have far too many stupid things to say and a limited amount of years in which to say them. Women could quit even their lamest of day jobs and take pep pills until the Apocalypse, but they still wouldn’t have enough time to empty their heads of every dumb fuck thought that congealed between their ears.

Too bad.

Just like how even you as a man can’t count to 47 trillion. Even if you count really fast. At least I don’t think you can. That’s why men invented calculators. [Read more]