When a child grabs a hot plate or runs face first into a door, it’s your responsibility as an adult to tell them not to do such things. That’s why I’ve been telling women not to play sports for as long as I can remember. Not because watching women play sports is embarrassing and gross. And not because meeting female athletes is like going to the zoo that one time when the ostrich pen and the monkey pen were left open and all of them were running around getting drunk on Hooch.

Telling women not to play sports is my responsibility as an adult. [Read more]

Yesterday, I had the man pleasure of attending a taping of the Colbert Report staring Stephen Colbert. I have gone on record saying Stephen Colbert is among the top five manliest men alive, and just like anything I have said or ever will say, I stand by it.

Here’s something even manlier I didn’t know about the Colbert Report. It’s staffed almost entirely by men. [Read more]

It’s getting closer and closer to tax time. I can feel the day coming the way I feel the coming of a bumbling fuck up some woman is about to make at my expense. Like when you’re introducing a hot new lady friend to your man mates and she’s just dying to say something fucking stupid about her dog or her roommate who no one gives a shit about.

If your life is so full of problems, hypothetical house-fat roommate, why not try something different? Maybe cut the Fun Size Cool Ranch Doritos down to three packs a day.

This is the feel of the Bogeyman coming for my money. I don’t know what’s more precious to me, my money or my Man Points. [Read more]

Two things in life are inevitable: taxes and women’s fuckups.

Holy shit! What if they’re actually the same thing?

They are the same thing! Women invented taxes. [Read more]

Between jobs and drinking buddies, there are a lot of inane clutterings about the world men know little about. Sewing is one of them. Scrapbooking is another of these things. Scrapbooking is so womanly that I have banned myself from ever appearing in a scrapbook. Such a notion sickens me.

Life is meant to be lived, fellows and gentlemen. It’s not a science project. You don’t hit life with a noxious aerosol concoction of chlorine and formaldehyde and then mount it in a shadow box.

I am a man. I am the anti-scrapbook. [Read more]

If there’s one thing you learn after dealing with the mentally handicapped for an extended period of time, it’s that they all want one thing: to be treated equally.

Also graham crackers.

Women are a lot like the mentally handicapped in that way. The only difference is women don’t deserve it — equality or graham crackers. [Read more]

The following question was sent to me by Marco Urso.

Thousands of years of research, thinking, and inventing from men all over the globe were put on display that day to boldly go where no man has gone before (and within the scheduled time frame).

I am talking of course about the Apollo 11 Mission and I wondered exactly how manly was the first manned flight to the moon?

I don’t know if all of you men know this, but no women were involved in the planning or execution of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

Here’s a short list of other amazing projects no women were involved in:

All of them. [Read more]

Necroswordsman of decayingsword.mabtw.com has sent me the following question.

Hey Dick, I have a question. In most of my life I have wondered how feminists have affected the media. For example, nowadays, a children’s presenter has to be clearly a young guy or they’re branded a pedophile. You get what I mean.

I’d really like some answers.

And I’d really like those barking-dog shock-collars to become the hottest women’s fashion item for 2007. Imagine what a utopia that would be. Every time a woman went to open her mouth, she’d get an electric Five Across the Eyes.

Women are too terrified during a crisis to say anything anyway. What’s the downside? At least this way they’d have an excuse. A sexy excuse. [Read more]