There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.

I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.

“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.

This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini. [Read more]

Women queer every deal that they’re apart of and they watch shit for television.

That’s not me coming at you with a dose of truth. That’s 84-year-old, legendary BBC television presenter Sir Patrick Moore.

“I was in hospital once and I watched a whole episode of Eastenders. I suppose it’s true to life. But so is diarrhea — and I don’t want to see that on television” – Sir Patrick Moore

Neither do I, Sir Patrick. Unless it’s on House. [Read more]

Does science know for certain that women’s vaginas aren’t causing global warming?

I doubt it.

Think about it. Women’s vaginas smell ridiculous. That’s gotta be bad for the environment somehow. Until I read a study saying otherwise, that’s what I’m going with. It’s common sense. [Read more]

Men are like grapes. We’re awesome when we’re young, and we’re awesome when we’re old and rasin-y.

Women are like broken pianos. They’re 500 pounds, they sound like shit, and in order to get rid of one you’re going to have to do some serious conning. Also, when a broken piano is 70 years old, it still isn’t worth a damn without fifty grand of restoration. [Read more]

They’re both fat as shit.

I was just talking to a lady on the subject of lesbians and how their bodies look strange and Grimace-like, when I received a scientific study from a reader about the very same topic.

Scientifically speaking, men are better than women at being gay; and that means staying in a shape that doesn’t resemble a discarded peanut.

Also, do you know any famous gay women? I don’t think there are any. Martina Navratilova wasn’t famous for being gay. She was famous for looking like a donkey kicked her in the face. [Read more]

There’s nothing I love sticking to women more than a big slab of science.

Well almost nothing.

It’s every man’s dream to lead everything he does with a joke about his penis. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s your birthright as a man.

Also, don’t be afraid to drink. As a man, drinking is not as harmful to your body and brain as it is to a woman. I question whether it’s even harmful at all. [Read more]

It’s not often that I, Dick Masterson, bestow an award like Father of the Year. In fact this is the only time I’ve ever done it. But who knows what the future holds. Submit your nominations for 2008 today!

Alec Baldwin, legendary for his roles in Beetlejuice and She’s Having a Baby, recently left a passionate voice mail for his 11 year old daughter. When I think of “father�? I think “passion�?. Do you know what a father’s role is? To protect a useless little girl from a world of horrible things. Without a father, who would beat off the hordes of horny boys young girls naturally attract?

Being a father is just like being in the movie The 300. That’s awesome. Way to go Dad’s. [Read more]

Women are leaving the profession of computing in record numbers. A recent study shows the percentage of women in engineering is down from 38% to 28% since 1985. I guess that’s why we call them “engineers” and not “politicians”. With no women around, they actually get things done.

Women suck at computers because they can’t evolve with technology and they don’t know a USB port from a hole in the ground, which they also don’t know from their ass. [Read more]