Sometimes, I feel like the doors of a Hometown Buffet ten minutes before it opens. Every day, dozens of fat broads line up to bust me down.

Settle down you fucking cows, they serve that shitty lasagna all day.

Today, I’m going to be talking about one of these fatsos. One who has captured my attention like a humpback whale off the coast of Big Sur. Fellows and gentlemen, meet Donna Jackson.

Today, I’m giving Donna Jackson the chance to shut down MenAreBetterThanWomen.com. [Read more]

Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove.

Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely published pornographic newsletter: a marauding gang of drunk sluts scavenging small towns for attention after midnight.

Prurient Fiction.

Imagine a bachelorette party in the context of a show like Leave it to Beaver. Are you going out with your fiancee this weekend Wally? No I’m not, Beave. Because she’s going out with 8 of her friends to get drunk as fuck, act like a whore, and cry, fight, and slobber over anything with a cock.

Bachelor parties are the epitome of a healthy human society. Bachelorette parties are the opposite. What a fucking surprise it is that bachelor parties are just like this website: by men, for men only. If any women want in, prepare to bare your tits. [Read more]

It’s rare that a man makes a mistake. I myself have never made one. However, last week I nearly did when I named Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. Clearly, the woman above deserves that title.

However, the woman above is ineligible. Because she’s my Honorary Man of the Decade. My perfect record continues. [Read more]

I’m going to tell you guys the first thing I thought when I was text messaged a picture of McCain’s new VP by a dozen fucking people at 8 in the morning.

I’d fuck her.

Meet the world’s first VPILF, fellows and gentlemen. A Vice President I’d like to fuck. And she will be Vice President because apparently McCain is the smartest fucking politician in history. Who knew!

I’m jumping on the VPILF train today by naming Miss Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. [Read more]

Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating.

Short version: Fuck marriage.

Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever expect: Oprah Magazine.

Gentlemen, I present the Mid-Wife Crisis. Get ready to see a journalist package self-loathing and selfishness as introspection — and then sell that shit to the dumbest bunch of cows on Earth: readers of Oprah Magazine.

Read this for a reason to say, “I don’t.” [Read more]

A penny saved is a woman fired.

One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You.

Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of her own children. That’s why strippers never graduate. When women see dollar signs, their brains turn into shit.

By hiring a man over a woman, you are not only getting a more qualified, more competent, less smelly employee, you’re also lowering your chances of being sued for providing a hostile work environment to zero.

But even if you do get sued for sexual harassment, it’s bullshit.

Sexual harassment doesn’t exist. [Read more]

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.

But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.

Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.

Female EMT’s are deadly. [Read more]

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China. [Read more]