Every time I piss a woman off by being especially profound, and every time I get a piece of hate mail, it starts with the same thing.

“Good luck getting laid, you gay jerk!”

Why is it that women never threaten to take away a meaningful relationship or a decent conversation? Or at least a conversation that doesn’t need a new type of punctuation invented to be properly transcribed.

Apparently, when I say all women are whores, I’m a “gay jerk�?, but when women say it (or imply it in this case), they’re making the world a better place through name calling. [Read more]

It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.

Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.

Here are my top ten reasons why. [Read more]

I’m disgusted by prejudice against men of all kinds.

Prejudice against women is common sense. They’re no good at anything. Of course it’s okay to be prejudiced against them. It’s okay to be prejudiced against throwing your money into the sewer for the same reason.

Men are better than women.

Hillary Clinton has no chance in hell of becoming the next president of the United States. The only reason she’s running is because women don’t want a black man in the White House. [Read more]

It’s time for another one of my Dick’s Manly Jokes.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Chaste? No. Nuns won’t fuck anyone (even though God says women are supposed to) and they still have a place to live.

What do you call a woman with nowhere to live?

Call her anything that starts with ‘b’ and rhymes with ‘bitch’. Homeless women are the rudest women with whom it has ever been my misfortune to share a street corner. They ought to be given homes just so their smelliness and grotesqueries are kept far away from children, and more importantly me.

Men are better than women at being homeless. [Read more]

The reason 20th century women have entered technology in shrew-nosed flocks isn’t because “oppression” ended. Socrates and Magellan were killed because they were interested in science. That’s the worst kind of oppression: oppression of men.

Death by hemlock and spear is also more oppression than any woman has ever been subject to.

Women love baking and cleaning. How is making them do it being oppressive? It’s like sending a disobedient child to his room with a crate of Twinkies, a keg of Cherry Coke, and more video games then God. [Read more]

Men are luckier than women.

I’m not an idiot. I know that if a man flips a coin and a woman flips the same coin, they both have a 50/50 chance of getting one side or the other.

Actually, men probably have a slightly higher chance due to manliness.

It doesn’t matter anyway because men don’t dick around with games like flip the coin, where no matter how much you bet, you’re going to end up with the same amount at the end of the night. Men only bet when we’re guaranteed to lose. That’s why men love women so much. Women are a bad bet no matter how you stack your race card and no matter how young you bag them.

That’s also why men are better than women at Las Vegas. [Read more]

When I think of a man I think of several things: successful, smells great, nuclear explosions of brilliance and poignancy. When I think of a woman, I usually think of something retarded, like a mule or a donkey with no real friends who can’t drive and has a lifespan that stretches well beyond her years of usefulness.

Maybe that’s why women are always so pissed off. Donkeys are stubborn because they have hooves and can’t do anything. Women are opinionated loud-mouths for the same reason. They just don’t have the hooves. [Read more]

Today marks the end of Female Illiteracy Month, and thus the end of my Dick Fights Female Illiteracy Contest, where one lucky lady could strap on some spellsmanship and win herself 50 dollars — or a video game for a starving child.

Today was the deadline.

Color me unsurprised to find only a fistful of submissions man-stuffing my mailbox. Many of them were filed improperly and have been disqualified. There were one or two fatties trying to horn in on the action — at least I’m sure they were as they didn’t mention their weight, which was a clear violation of the contest rules. The remaining few told me what I already knew and what I’ve said many times: as a man, my spelling is beyond perfection.

I’m surprised I received any submissions at all. [Read more]