I was sent this question by Marco the Man.

I can’t think of a single late night female talk-show host. Why are most talk-show hosts men?

All late night talk-show hosts are men because people are trying to have sex during “late night”. There’s nothing that’s more unpleasant to hear during sex than a woman comedian laughing awkwardly at her own jokes, while a studio audience sits in silence, twiddling their funny-bones.

Sex is why Leno has higher ratings than Letterman. The presence of a black man in the bedroom (even on television) sends women into a frenetic sexual hysteria. Paul Schafer is not even a little bit black. [Read more]

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Child abuse is one of the most shepugnant acts of violence known to man. It’s wrong for the same reason it’s wrong to beat up crippled people. They can’t fight back. That’s also why it’s wrong for fat ladies to squeeze themselves into anything that couldn’t be packaged and resold as a tent. No one can fight that.

There should be no size 4, 6, or 8. If you can’t fit into a 2, cut a hole in the bottom of a trash bag and throw yourself away. [Read more]

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Volunteer charity work is for suckers and chumps and every woman who does it is both and then some.

Men who volunteer are geniuses. Volunteering is so much work, there’s barely any competition for all the retarded girls they’re about to nail. A dog shelter is my idea of heaven. Tons of hot and easy women lubing up their emotional sexacoasters by fucking around with abandoned puppies all day, and then putting those same cretins to death left and right because billionaires would rather have another yacht to sail around their private islands on than save a bunch of homeless shit-rats.

Fuck that’s manly. [Read more]

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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.

Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.

For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends. [Read more]

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Of all the women I know who are on antidepressants, 100% of them have told me.

When it comes to women and their stupid mental problems that I don’t give a fuck about, I wish patients had to respect the doctor/client confidentiality agreement as well. That would not only make my life a lot less whiny, but it would also make every first date happening in Utah on any given Friday night about two awkward silences smoother.

If you weren’t aware, Utah has the highest per capita female usage of prescription antidepressants in the world. No one knows why, but it’s probably because Utah is extremely religious, and we all know women take to religion about as well as they take to using whiskey as a lubricant. It stings you for a minute, it stings her for a lifetime.

Men are better than women. [Read more]

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Little boys have fantastic role models — the best in the world actually. Steve McQueen, Ty Cobb, Hercules “Rowdy” Roddy Piper; all of them great men of integrity and dignity. And that’s exactly what the little boys who worship them become: great men of integrity and dignity.

Indiana Jones never aborted anything because he couldn’t hold a job that paid more than minimum wage. What would they call that installment exactly? Indiana Jones in the Welfare Miscarriage.

That would be a short fucking movie. [Read more]

Women are as adventurous with their culinary tastes as waiting in line for a ski lift — a ski lift that leads to the DMV.

Would the lady care for some calamari this evening?

Ew, gross! It’s squid!

How about some veal?

Ew, gross! I care more about baby cows than I do about the African children who mined these diamond earrings!

And everyone knows it. [Read more]

Women have ruined books.

First, they infiltrated books with their “romance�? and other literary promiscuities. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Kite Runner; those are all obscene and rife with moral depravity. That last one is Oprah’s favorite tale about a little boy who gets raped. Who would read about something like that?

Women.

Then, when no one was looking, women turned books into magazines and slapped tampon ads all over them. I hope no one built a mini-mall on Hemingway’s grave. The constant movement of him spinning the fuck around inside will probably mess with the foundation. [Read more]