Out of the hundreds of men I have asked, only one has known the true and correct definition of The Donkey Punch.

The Donkey Punch is like the Highlander. There can be only one. Prepare to be educated. [Read more]

“A sure sign of the decline of an empire, is the rise of feminism.”

The first man to say that was not me, Dick Masterson. It was first said by the British army engineer and Lieutenant-General who trained the Arab Legion in 1939: Sir John Glubb. Eat shit, feminism.

Feminism is the zenith of human sloth and stupidity. Complaining won’t make men less better than women, and no amount of fact-fucking is going to reverse the age-old maxim that you can catch more flies with honey than with a shrill and obnoxious dogma. Feminism can take out its own garbage before barbecue sauce leeks all over the linoleum. I’m busy doing man things.

If hell freezes over and Hillary Clinton wins the 2008 presidency with her running mate, Senorita Vagina, then we can expect total “empire decline” as early as 2010. In order to preserve manliness against the all-consuming gash that is H. Clinton “The Queen of Swine”, I have taken it upon myself to bury a Man Capsule deep in the manliest desert on Earth. [Read more]

Lady firemen are scum.

Not scum in the way that pedophiles are scum. And not scum in the way that Crystal Gail Mangum, who falsely accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape, is scum. But scum in the way a man would be if he tried to flush his newborn baby down the toilet because he didn’t want to tell his parents or the father about it.

Lady firemen endanger your life. [Read more]

I was sent this question by Max.

Dick, I’ve met this woman who obviously likes me, but she keeps her guard up as far as dating goes. She even told me thats why she got her dog a few years ago. Because the dog will always love her no matter what. What should I do?

I would have thought a man who shared his name with one of the manliest men in cinema, Mad Max, would know a thing or two about seeing through women and their endless bullshit.

Grab a sword and a piece of paper, Max. You and your shitty girlfriend are about to enter the Thunderdome. [Read more]

Evolution is not a theory. Evolution is a fact.

The “theory” part in the Theory of Evolution refers only to the hypothesis of biological machinations which may or may not be the cause of evolution — ie, Natural Selection and Speciation. And the manliest of scholars have spent thousands of man-hours on exactly that question: why do we evolve?

The question scholars have spent no time on is: why didn’t women evolve? The answer is, because women are stupid and lazy.

You don’t need science to tell you that water is wet. [Read more]

A manpiphany is a jolt of genius that starts at the balls and proceeds directly to the brain. Whenever I experience this phenomenon, I open my mouth and speak as quickly as I can. What comes out may offend loads of women, but fuck women. The truth needs to be spoken.

Female anger is the weather vane of truth.

Truth is the enemy of women.

If a woman ever gets pissed off at anything you say, science will prove you right. [Read more]

This question comes to me from William Black.

I wonder why women use “LOL”, “ROFL”, and “STFU”‘s when they type. Is it some cutesy, stupid thing added to distract from the fact that their woman argument holds no water? Have you ever seen a man use one of those? I think not.

I talk to my man-mates with instant messaging as little as possible. Each instant message you send is a loss of 2 Man Points. You better believe I lose Man Points as little as possible.

The same rate goes for text messaging as well. Unless you’ve worked out an unlimited Man Point text messaging program with your local Man Bank.

Text and instant messaging are what happens when you take 100 billion dollars of telecommunications technology and paint it pink. [Read more]

At any moment, a woman can say something completely stupid about something completely obvious. Women have an infinity of wrong inside them. Much in the same way that a child has an infinity of imagination inside it, or a tube of super glue contains an infinity of practical jokes.

Women contain an Infinity of Wrong.

For example, when told that no one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries bickering over an unloaded printer, a woman might call you rude or a jerk. This is completely stupid and wrong of her — and it is very likely fat of her as well. No one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries. Pretending anyone does is childish and insulting to good stories.

Here’s another example: women are worthless in science. [Read more]