Women’s newest complaint in the arena of sport is that their token female sideline commentators have to go into “icky” men’s locker rooms and see “gross” enormous wieners to get their jobs done.

A penny saved is a woman fired.

Between periods, pregnancies, and lawsuits, I’m surprised women have any time left in the workday to play Solitaire.

You’d never hear a male sports reporter complaining for easier access to female athletes. That’s because women athletes are disgusting wildebeests who should be hunted on safari and not seen, heard, or interviewed.

Fuck women’s sports. [Read more]

If you’ve been watching the Dr. Phil “House of Judgment”, you may have noticed that the first problem Dr. Phil has with my views is that I have a book to sell. Well it’s true, fellows and gentlemen, I am a filthy capitalist. I am a low-down, dirty capitalist who is out to make money by providing you with something that is both manlightening and hilarious for a nominal cost.

And unlike women in the army, this is comedy you can choose whether or not you want to pay for.

How dare I.

I would also like to note that my book is worth its weight in gold. It will teach you how to shut women the fuck up. Silence is golden.

Let’s talk about capitalism. You may already be familiar with it as the thing that brought you everything you know. Imagine Santa Claus with a school bus full of girls gone wild on his back, a Super Soaker full of gin in his hand, and a Viagra-induced boner that could win a home-run derby in the other. That’s capitalism.

Women hate capitalism. [Read more]

Fat girls are obsessed with marriage. Their big fat mindsets are warped around the concept of “get all you can”, like a lumped wad of peanut butter and jelly sandwich around the Star Wars thermos inside your lunch box.

For a woman, marriage is an all you can eat buffet of free shit. The ring goes on and the wish list starts cranking out like a broken fax machine; each request more undeserved than the last.

The fatter they are, the more they want their docking-pass to that buffet. Remember that inside every skinny girl, there’s a fucking behemoth just dying to get out. [Read more]

I have received well over a thousand supportive emails from women over the last 48 hours. Unsurprisingly to me, the topic they’re the most encouraging about is my comment on whores and all women being them.

All women are whores.

Keep in mind that I consider female anger to be the weather vane of truth and wisdom. When a woman finally has a heart attack after reading something I’ve written, I’m going to start calling myself Buddha.

King Buddha. [Read more]

A screwdriver has a purpose. Without this tool, men wouldn’t be able to screw anything for less than the cost of a video game — and women wouldn’t be able to dent my car by dropping one on the hood while trying to put the Christmas decorations away on a shelf two feet above their fucking head.

If it’s out of reach, get a man. If it’s got buttons, get a man. If it affects the fate of anything more than an unboiled egg or the color of drapes, get a man.

Texas Instruments once had a social conscience. They devised a pink Speak N Spell that flashed only the following:

In case of thought, get a man!

Sadly, it was recalled. Oh the lives it may have saved. [Read more]

Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.

That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.

That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.

That was another pun. [Read more]

If it looks like a stripper and costs like a stripper then it’s a stripper.

This Halloween, woman-kind has lowered the bar of decency yet another inch in their eternal quest for gold at the Whore Olympics, by giving their daughters the key to the Halloween Slut closet six years ahead of schedule.

If you haven’t been watching the news, or you haven’t attended any elementary school Halloween parties, let me tell you about the trick or treat you’ve been missing.

Jailbait. [Read more]

Women hog everything. They’re bed hogs, they’re attention hogs, and they’re vagina hogs. Try to get a little vagina for yourself and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re waving a white flag that looks like a fifty dollar bill, you’ll get your hand bitten off like you’re reaching for the Baco’s at a Jenny Craig convention.

Men have dicks and we share them. Women act like their vaginas are cell phone minutes. You use ’em, you lose ’em. If only divorce was that easy.
[Read more]