If I gave $20,000 to an orphanage because I wanted orphans to be happy, a bunch of orphans would be happy and everyone would agree that I’m a fucking great guy.

If I gave $20,000 to an orphanage because I burned one to the ground when I was twelve and I feel guilty as shit about it, a bunch of orphans would be happy and everyone would agree that I’m a fucking great guy.

Welcome to the real world.

Motives don’t mean shit to orphans. Motives don’t mean shit to anyone. In fact, motives only mean something to those of us who have the luxury of falling vagina-first into money and never having to use our brains for anything but a hobby.

Those of us are called women, and those of us need to fuck off my website. [Read more]

Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.

Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.

1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.

Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that. [Read more]

It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.

Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.

Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.

At least that’s what a new study says. [Read more]

“Now we’re getting serious, because next is the guys.” – Hulk Hogan, The New American Gladiators

The original American Gladiators was among the top imangination breakthroughs of the early 90’s, picking up right where Miami Vice left off in terms of awesome spectacle and manly attire. Like all men, I cannot possibly describe with words how excited I was to hear it returning this fall. I could only describe that feeling in explosions or the sound of women orgasming.

Like the original American Gladiators, I find myself torn on the series. Half of it is enthralling and gripping television, sausage-packed with suspense and triumph; while the other half just kind of wallows around in apathy, having no strategy, not really understanding the games, and generally having no purpose in life or on television.

Why the fuck are women on American Gladiators?

Women ruin half of American Gladiators. [Read more]

As a man, I like to start things off right and in a hurry. That means three things:

1. Make things manlier — which I’ve done by challenging you all to my 2008 Man Challenge. I’ve already completed four out of five. Better dust your balls off and get to work.
2. Watch out for any bullshit on the horizon.
3. Take it easy.

God didn’t create the universe in six days and then take it easy on the seventh. He did it in two and then took a permanent vacation. Mondays He left for men to get to work and start building civilization. Monday is the manliest day there is. That’s why women hate them.

The following are promotional posters I created to keep an eye on the biggest storm of bullshit on the horizon since the ending scene of Terminator: Hillary Clinton running for president.

At the beginning of a new year, most people waste their time reflecting on the year past, compiling useless lists like “the top ten greatest catch phrases of 2007”, and “which young starlet had the most disappointing amateur porn of herself “unwantedly” posted to the internet in 2007″.

The greatest catch phrase of 2007 was “hit the treadmill” by myself, Dick Masterson, and I have never been more disappointed to see a pair of tits than I was with Vanessa Hudgens. Is she even legal? Reflection over. Now, it’s time for some manflection.

Men look forward, we don’t look back. We look upward, never downward. And if there’s a little girl running around, we look at our flies to make sure they’re closed. There’s no sense in traumatizing little girls with the unfathomable. In that spirit, I present the first annual 2008 Dick Masterson Man Challenge. [Read more]

I cannot stress how genuine I am in what I’m about to say. Lynne Spears — Britney Spears’ mother — writing a parenting book will do more for parenting than Dr. Spock, flame retardant clothing, and the VCR combined. Lynne Spears writing a book on parenting could single-handedly end the profession of stripping.

Imagine if the biggest loser in the world wrote a book on how to get laid.
Imagine if Michael Jackson wrote a book on brand management.
Imagine if Hilary Clinton wrote a book on how to keep your husband from finger-banging fat pigs behind your back.
Imagine if one of the worst parents in the world wrote a book.

If you have a daughter and you don’t want her to grow into a greasy, pregnant whore, read Lynne Spears’ book and do the opposite of everything it says. [Read more]

Through some creative editing liberties, the Dr. Phil show gave America this gem from yours truly, Dick Masterson.

“Women could be great.” -Dick Masterson

Just like everything I’ve ever said or ever will say, I stand by that. Women could be great. Women could be successful, intelligent, happy, and even wise. They just have to follow these two steps:

1. Shut the fuck up.
2. Listen to a man.

And then repeat those steps as often and as quickly as possible. Otherwise, what you have on your hands is an unhappy bitch who needs a leash. [Read more]