Women have ruined books.

First, they infiltrated books with their “romance�? and other literary promiscuities. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Kite Runner; those are all obscene and rife with moral depravity. That last one is Oprah’s favorite tale about a little boy who gets raped. Who would read about something like that?

Women.

Then, when no one was looking, women turned books into magazines and slapped tampon ads all over them. I hope no one built a mini-mall on Hemingway’s grave. The constant movement of him spinning the fuck around inside will probably mess with the foundation.

I don’t even want to talk about Harry Potter. Those books made all women on Earth about five IQ points stupider just for getting read. Why the fuck would anyone try to score any goals in Quiddich? If they crossed the NBA with an Easter Egg hunt, going to see the Miami Heat play the Houston Rockets would mean getting punched in the mouth by Shaq while an Asian the size of Bird Bird probed your cornhole for a million dollar snitch. The ball would be long forgotten.

You would just try to catch the snitch, is what I’m saying — unless women were allowed to play for some stupid reason. Oh, would you look at that.

A long time ago, the American novel was something of honor and dignity. The Old Man in the Sea comes to mind, as do other manly works: The Great Gatsby, Catch-22, pretty much anything written by a Russian person.

Well, women have fucked all that up. And that means it’s up to me, Dick Masterson, to fix it. One book at a time.

Simon and Schuster are putting women in their place by putting Men Are Better Than Women: The Book in their mouths. Before I tell you what it is, let me tell you what Men Are Better Than Women: The Book is not.

It is not The Shopaholic Ties the Knot. It is not The Anger Workbook For Women. I checked and discovered that no, that book is not Blowjobs for Dummies being sold under a different title. It is not The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, or any other book for women that could also be called Whorecules in New York: Chapter A Million. It is not The Knitting Circle or any other book where women get to vicariously live their dream of suffering close, personal loss like the death of a child.

Hercules in New York was a great movie. I wish there was a director’s cut that didn’t have the dick-off voice over messing with Arnold’s manjo. I would give that to everyone this Christmas.

And that’s exactly what you should do with my book.

Men Are Better Than Women: The Book is proof that everything I’ve said and ever will say is 100% accurate, that women can fuck off my site forever like I’ve always told them too and it doesn’t mean shit to me, and that no matter what, even in a business dominated by women and their rampant incompetencies, manliness prevails.

Men are better than women.

Also, blaming men for the three books I mentioned at the start of this is like blaming children for child pornography. That makes you a sick person, but more importantly, it makes you a wrong person.

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