The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’

Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and boobs all wrapped in a fabric casing that cost ten times more than it should. How the fuck is a flannel shirt $89 at American Apparel? Since when did lumberjacks and lesbians spend more than a steak dinner on their work clothes? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

The point is, women wouldn’t know physical definition if it was staring them in the face — even if it had only 3% body fat like Nicolas Cage in Con Air. That’s because men are better than women at going to the gym.

The best looking women in history lived in the 60’s and starred in spy movies opposite Sean Connery. Then in the 80’s, “low calories” were invented and every woman in the free world turned into a hippopotamus. That trend continues because women suck at going to the gym. Here’s why.

10. Men Don’t Dress Up

The gym is not a fashion show. It’s a place to go to get in shape, stay healthy, and look at yourself in the mirror without losing Man Points.

Men don’t wear cute outfits to the gym. If it were legal, I would work out completely naked. Fuck clothes. Clothes are just an extra bullshit step between me and getting the job done. Women, on the other hand, need $200 of lycra to set foot in the door. Nine times out of ten, that’s their only reason for going to the gym in the first place; to show off some new Lulu Lemon mess. It’s like a senior prom to them: new outfits, shitty music, and plenty of excuses not to put out afterward. Who gives a shit if you feel gross? If you’re doing it right, in 14 minutes, you’re going to feel a lot grosser.

You know why most gyms don’t allow you to wear jeans while you work out? It’s not because of men, or me specifically who has been turned away three times for trying. It’s because if women were allowed to wear jeans to the gym, they’d also wear high heels and tube tops that matched and then stand around waiting for someone to buy them a drink.

9. Men Don’t Yap, Gab, or Yammer

With the exception of douchebags, muscle dummies, old guys, guys who wear wife beaters even while not at the gym, MBA dicks, producers, and men who are hitting on women — and men who grunt like Monica Seles while they work out, which is really annoying; men do not talk at the gym. Women, however, can’t shut the hell up!

Women do as much working out at the gym as they do praying in church. Most of their time there is spent in a big social jerk off session full of bitching and gossip. I was at the gym last week and this girl on a stationary bike was complaining about her boyfriend while texting for about forty minutes. Not once did her miles per hour exceed her texts per hour.

8. Everybody Poops

A woman who was 20 pounds overweight once told me she was worried about working out because she didn’t want to get ‘too bulky.’ I told her it was too late for that and she took that as a compliment. Touche, madam. Touche.

Women don’t understand how the body works. For example, women: you have to arch your fucking back if you want it doggy style or else it doesn’t work. Get a clue.

Also ladies, working out won’t make you bulky. It won’t make you thicker or heavier or make your big ass bigger. Buying a puppy, however, and shoveling healthy snacks down your craw, and gossiping with your friends about celebrities all day will. Cigarettes come with a warning label. Why doesn’t American Idol?

Warning: if you’re a woman, this program will make you fatter and more annoying.

7. Men Don’t Have To Exercise

It’s a commonly held fact that men don’t have to be fit to be attractive. In fact, other than the enjoyment of our raw masculine power, there’s no reason for a man to work out ever. Men make the money and men make the funny. That’s all we need to get a whole screw of girls lined up around the block — for purposes of banging.

Women, on the other hand, have to work out. If women don’t look good, they don’t make as much money, they aren’t funny at all, and no one will come along to bail them out with their dick.

Men are better than women at the gym for simple reason that we don’t have to be there.

6. Culture Is No Excuse for Fatness

Some women think it’s part of their culture to look like Grimace. I call bullshit. No culture — at least no culture with access to Bally’s — has ever valued fatness. There’s a big difference between a nice ass and thighs that look like the surface of a golf ball — and a gut that looks like a broken tube of croissant dough. I couldn’t decide which of those was funnier.

If that doesn’t convince you, think about it like this. Every culture on Earth holds one thing to be true: men are always right. Either way, I win.

5. Fucking Memberships

Let’s not forget how much better men are than women at the worst part of going to the gym: dealing with the pushy dickheads who sell you your membership. I tried to find some statistics on the internet proving my case: that women spend more on their gym memberships than their better-negotiating, quicker-thinking, man-brained counterparts. However, I could not. What I did find was this:

HOWTO: Negotiate Your Gym Membership Like a Diva

And then a bunch more advice by ladies for ladies — albeit slightly less bitchy ones — on how to negotiate their gym memberships. That proves my point. Let me put it this way: there are no advice columns online teaching teenage boys how to handle their first period. That means women must have more trouble than men negotiating their gym memberships.

4. Dumbness

Speaking of how stupid women are, women also suck at the gym because they need more toys there than a day care center.

Exercise balls, exercise rolls, exercise bagels; unless it cost more than 50 bucks, women won’t workout with it. Cavemen were the most physically fit specimens of human beings in history. All they had was heavy shit and distances to run. That’s all any man needs to exercise. All that goofy shit is a distraction from secretly wanting to be a big flat slob.

Remember in Con Air how Nicolas Cage didn’t even get access to a proper gym because he was considered a dangerous military weapon? He still found a way to stay in shape with a push-up montage. That was awesome. If you take away all of a woman’s workout toys, you’ll end up with nothing more than a hungry, hungry hippo, quickly outgrowing her trendy Under Armor outfit.

If women really want a gadget to help them work out, how about a treadmill that pats them on the back as they run their fat ass skinny. That’s called a positive reinforcement. It works for blowjobs and getting texts from me. It would probably work at the gym too.

3. Love Hurts

Women barely break a sweat when they’re at the gym. Probably because they’re worried about smelling like shit on the way home in case a cute policeman pulls them over. In order to get results, however, you’ve got to feel the burn.

My friend worked out so hard one time that he broke one of his eyeballs. That’s dedication and it’s awesome. I’ve never seen a woman workout with that sort of intensity.

2. Candy bars

You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a candy bar crammed in her mouth and one in her pocket for later.

You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a feedbag full of potato chips strapped to her face.

You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? Candy bars, potato chips, french fries, milk shakes, and being a big fat slob.

When I compare women to trainable dogs, I’m not saying anything that they themselves aren’t. Women reward themselves like golden retrievers when they do something right. If a woman runs a mile, she gives herself a Snickers. If she does some butt exercises, she calls her mom. You know how men reward themselves for going to the gym? By going to the gym again.

1. Men Actually Go

And that’s the whole point. Men are better than women at the gym because men actually go to the gym and women don’t.

Curves: the Gym for Fatso’s is one of the fastest growing businesses in America for two reasons. One, women are too goddamn selfish to show their bodies off even though it doesn’t cost them anything. Seriously, what’s the problem with showing your boobs off every now and then? It’s free. I make witty comments all the time for free because I know everyone enjoys it. It’s the same exact thing. And number two, Curves is a racket.

To make it in the health club game, you have to sell more memberships than you have room for. Imagine that you own a house with three rooms. In order to run that house like a health club, you would have to rent those three rooms to twenty people and hope that all of them don’t show up every Saturday night. If they did, you’d be fucked. You only have enough room for three of them and the other 17 would have to sleep in the yard I guess. If, however, one or two or even three came everyday, you’d make a tidy sum.

In the case of Curves: A Gym for Fatso’s, they can sell a billion memberships for a health club that holds twelve because not one of those panting wildebeests is ever going to show up. Have you ever seen a Curves? My bedroom is bigger than your average Curves. And more women have worked out in it.

What a great ending.

This entry was posted under Doings and Dealings.