Every man in the world knows that Father’s Day is complete bullshit. That’s why none of us bat an eye when it comes around. Men don’t like to waste their time getting bent out of shape because of a bunch of nonsense.

We men also know that if you want to do something nice for a man, you just do it. You don’t make a big fucking deal out of it. You don’t act like you deserve a prize for stopping off at Best Buy on the way home from getting your hair done and spending more of that very same man’s money on a gift certificate.

So why is Father’s Day so contrary to the man-spirit of things?

Guess what. It was invented by a woman.

Father’s Day was invented by a woman who wanted to get a shit load of attention and glory for herself just for having the audacity to decide to honor her father for a day. If women weren’t banned from this site I would say: Here’s a good way to honor your father, ladies. Don’t marry a jackass.

But they are banned and it wouldn’t matter anyway because women love marrying guys that make them miserable.

Also, obviously when I say ‘invented’, I don’t mean invented like what a man does when he creates every new thing that has ever helped humanity. I mean invented like a woman does when she comes up with reasons why it’s not being a cocktease to trick all her male work friends into moving her into a new apartment.

Fiction can be fun.

Men also do not give a shit about father’s day, because men are not the sort to set up an obstacle course just to watch the people they love trip all over themselves trying to complete it. Women, on the other hand, love that manner of bullshit. That’s why they invent holidays and anniversaries and then skulk around the calendar in the hopes that you’ll miss them.

You know what. That’s actually the best present that you can give a woman on any occasion. Just completely forget about the whole thing and act like you’re sorry. She’ll get a two hour high of rage and tantrum that ought to carry her well into the next farcical woman’s holiday.

Seriously, let’s count the holidays for women. Mother’s Day. One. Secretary’s Day. Two. Teacher’s Day. Three. Bring your Goddamn Daughter To Work Day. Four. Weddings. Fucking Infinity.

There’s no Bring Your Son to Work Day because men want to keep their boys away from the workplace as long as possible — since one day they’ll be chained to it for the rest of their lives.

Happy Father’s Day anyway. I guess.

This entry was posted under Wallow in It.