Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating.

Short version: Fuck marriage.

Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever expect: Oprah Magazine.

Gentlemen, I present the Mid-Wife Crisis. Get ready to see a journalist package self-loathing and selfishness as introspection — and then sell that shit to the dumbest bunch of cows on Earth: readers of Oprah Magazine.

Read this for a reason to say, “I don’t.”

This post is a reply to an article published in Oprah Magazine entitled, “She’s happily married, dreaming of divorce.”

What is a Mid-Wife Crisis?

Oprah Magazine calls a “Mid-Wife Crisis” a “period of high irritation” lasting “one to two decades”, in which a married woman is nagged by lingering regrets over her marriage. During this time she constructively “resents the shit out of her husband”, “acts like a little cunt”, and “makes life bitchy and miserable for anyone who gives a shit about her stupid ass.” One to two decades? That means your average Oprah wife is a grumpy, passive-aggressive princess for twice as long as her average marriage!

A “Mid-Wife Crisis” can more easily be explained as every man’s worst nightmare: a sexless marriage that can only be solved by writing a big fucking check.

Today, I’m going to explore this phenomenon as experienced by Ellen Tien of Oprah Magazine. I’m sure you will see (as I have) that all this bullshit is nothing more than the half-assed rantings of a neurotic, 30-something whore who thinks her husband owes her personal happiness.

Your husband is not your personal fucking Santa Claus, Ellen. It’s not his fault you’re miserable. It’s just his fault you have a roof over your head while you pout. Happiness is like orgasms. If you don’t work for it, you don’t get any.

How Can I Have a Mid-Wife Crisis?

In her shitty article, Ellen quotes a small sample of minor grievances and narcissistic assumptions as evidence to support her husband’s general “crapness”. In theory, it is the forced acceptance of this “crapness” through publishing that ultimately validates her own projected feelings of worthlessness. But I’ll get to that later.

“I contemplate divorce every day. It tugs on my sleeve each morning when my husband, Will, greets me in his chipper, smug morning-person voice, because after 16 years of waking up together, he still hasn’t quite pieced out that I’m not viable before 10 a.m.” -Ellen Tien

Fuck you, bitch. Get out of bed and be glad someone wants to see your fucked-up, ugly ass before Maybelline takes ten years off.

Cunt Buttons

“Not being a morning person” is what I call a Cunt Button. And it’s a collection of these arbitrary Cunt Buttons that make up every woman’s personality. For example, some women “really care about the environment”. That’s a Cunt Button. If you hit it, said girl will act like a total bitch because you left the faucet running for thirty seconds while you brushed your fucking teeth. Big deal. If saving Mother Earth is so important, why don’t you turn your car off at stop lights?

Because women are never cunts to themselves.

Not being a “morning person” is another Cunt Button; one that is commonly found alongside a fanatically practiced morning coffee routine and a confusion between confidence and arrogance. They hand these out in a combo pack at the same place women pick up their Barbie Briefcases. It’s no surprise that Ellen has the first at least!

Fuck your husband for wanting to see you in the morning, right honey? I’m with you. He fucked up by marrying your ass in the first place. Just look at the difference a ring makes.

Married Women Are Old

Here’s another gem.

“…with our 21st-century access to youth …we are still visually tolerable if not downright irresistible when we’re 30 or 35 or 40.” -Ellen Tien

False. None of you fucking broads are worth shit after 26. I’ll humor you to get head. I’ll say whatever it takes to fuck. But not one of you is irresistible. You’re just desperate. To girls with a choice, there’s a difference.

A woman’s self-esteem is maintained by continually burning cash — sometimes by shoving it directly into her ass. Once they’ve been married for a few years, women are so desperate for a free drink, they’ll let any loser with a credit card line up some shots. That’s the grace and beauty of an unmarried 40 year old woman.

Don’t Eat Shit

“Marriage and its cruel cohort, fidelity, are a lot to expect from anyone, much less from swift-flying us.” -Ellen Tien

Women all want to see themselves as whatever would happen if you bred Lucy Lawless with Tina Fey. Some Amazonian freak who’s inner strength was matched only by her inner beauty which was also matched by her inner irresistible quirkiness. And this myth of the over-acheiving, hyper-independant Woman 2.0 is never more prevalent as it is in journalism.

The truth is, women are just as incompetent today as they were fifty years ago. And they’re ten times as desperate for a man. Fuck, today’s modern girl considers herself a spinster at the age of 23. As well she should! If she hasn’t gotten at least one proposal before daddy’s done paying for college, panic sets in like crows feet.

Infidelity and the Call of the Slut is the last refuge of a desperate woman trying to convince herself that she’s having a good time. Women hate sex. It’s easy for them to get and since men will pay for it, it’s a loss if they don’t cash in on the highest bid.

Calling women sluts when they sleep around is like calling Mike Tyson a dickhead for beating up a random guy. Yes ladies, we get it. You’re great boxers. But you’re still fucking sluts. Men sleeping around is like a new Rocky sequel. You know he’s gonna win, but he’s still gonna work his goddamn ass off.

Children: Tools To Shame

“I watch in frustration as my son desperately tries to talk to Will through a newspaper or computer screen or whatever other large, flat surfaces fathers place between themselves and filial communication, and yet I know in my heart that I would be mightily hard-pressed to remove this father from his son’s house.”

Fuck you, Ellen. Children talk about dumb bullshit all day. You can listen to every forth sentence and still know exactly what they’re talking about. If it’s not some goddamn toy they want, it’s some goddamn toy they don’t like. And if it’s not that then it’s something they want attention for. Maybe constant attention isn’t something today’s children need.

When you tell children everything they shit out is a work of art, they turn into mumbling, mush-mouth little pussies who can’t deal with real life. Ellen, you don’t even know how to be a mother properly so shut your goddamn pie hole. Why not learn the basics of motherhood before trying your Papa Hat on and internationally criticizing a man who’s doing a perfectly fine job of ignoring your chatty little brat.

How to be a Mother:

Rule #1 Don’t Remove the Fucking Father

Children without fathers are 100% more likely to fail than their fatherful brethren. We all know that Genius is 1% Inspiration and 99% Perspiration. But what we don’t know is that Perspiration is 1% having seen the movie Die Hard and 99% having a fucking father around to piss you off. That’s what fathers do. They make you a little pissed off and that makes you kick ass.

“But what if the father is abusive, Dick! That makes your generalized statement wrong in one extreme case, you gay queer. How does it feel to be wrong? Call me!”

If the father is abusive, so is the mother. How the fuck do you think he got there? Either way the kid’s fucked.

Fuck You, Ellen Tien

The real reason all you selfish, con artist wives out there “silently” resent your husbands for one to two decades is because you’re disappointments as wives and mothers and you fucking know it. Get him before he gets you. That’s the game. And there’s no more womanly way to do that than by keeping track of minor grievances.

But you’re women. Why realize any of this and fix it when you could just blame the nearest man, take half his money, and get some dick on the side when circumstances get beyond your control. Right, Ellen? When Oprah Magazine is your conscience, you can sign your own report card.

You know what, don’t, “Fuck you, Ellen Tien.” You’re just a writer filling pages between tampon ads of an emotional smut rag targeted towards the world’s biggest cash cow: American women. Don’t get me wrong, women all over the world are just as stupid as American women — and hate responsibility just as much — there just aren’t as many of them and international distribution is a pain in the ass.

Oprah

Instead, fuck you Oprah. I fucked your psychiatrist. I’ll fuck you too.

Marriage is Retirement for Women

The reason not-so-happily married women don’t work for their own happiness is because women see marriage as retirement.

That’s why the number of bridal magazines outnumber finance magazines 140 to 97. They’re both covering the same thing: retirement, women just need extra instruction. Men are better than women.

Manclusion: The “Good Woman”

Dr. Phil told me that all I needed was a “good woman” and I would shut my ass up — and possibly feel stupid for saying so many hilarious and 100% true things all these years. I want all you men to look at the woman who wrote this article. She’s clearly “good” enough to maintain a job as a writer. She’s clearly “good” enough to not be swinging around a pole for dollar bills ya’ll. She’s clearly “good” enough to think she’s not a skank. But how good is a “good” woman really?

Any woman with a Mid-Wife Crisis is a petulant little bitch who can’t accept that being happy isn’t someone else’s responsibility. It’s not a husband’s responsibility to make his fucking wife happy. It’s a husband’s responsibility to not act like a dickhead on purpose.

Apparently, a “good woman” isn’t good enough to realize that. Way to go Phil. You really fucking nailed that one.

She’s happily married, dreaming of divorce.
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This entry was posted under He Said/She Said.