I forgot Mother’s Day again just like I do every year. You know what that makes me? Every mother’s dream son. Mother’s don’t want a bunch of bullshit and spectacle for Mother’s Day. Well, they may want it, but for their own sake you shouldn’t give it to them. Here’s why.

A woman expecting a present is like a hydrophobic dog waiting for a reprieve on doggy death row. It’s hysterical, it’s frantic, it’s frothing at the mouth and slobbering all over the place, but most importantly, it’s going to be disappointed. [Read more]

If there’s one thing you learn after dealing with the mentally handicapped for an extended period of time, it’s that they all want one thing: to be treated equally.

Also graham crackers.

Women are a lot like the mentally handicapped in that way. The only difference is women don’t deserve it — equality or graham crackers. [Read more]

Women think if you leave a head of lettuce at the bowling alley, it will eventually turn into a bowling ball.

Now I don’t have anything personally against women, but that is fucking dumb.

Sack of dirt dumb.

Women also think having a bunch of male friends makes them better than other women. Women are raving, hateful misogynists in that way. Apparently “misogyny” means a hatred of women, and I can’t think of anything more hateful than thinking you’re better than someone just because you’re not friends with them. That borders on racism.

Women are also wrong. Having male friends doesn’t make a woman special or not a bitch. Actually, it makes her ten times the bitch. [Read more]

Men are better than women at breaking up with women.

In fact, men are so much better at breaking up, that they are better than women at breaking up period.

I’m not talking about not endlessly crying and the lack of suicide threats either. I’m a man so the first thing that comes to mind when a relationship hits the fan isn’t getting dumped, it’s doing the dumping.

Dump! In your face!

Men are dumpers there’s no doubt about that, and we do it in the most efficient way possible. We treat women like shit. [Read more]

One of the most revered women in history should be Florence Nightingale. Except for one thing; it’s called history and not shitstory.

Florence was allegedly a large motivating force behind sanitization in hospitals and the entire profession of nursing, both of which have saved hundreds of Man Lives. Man Lives are lives lived by men and are thus spent in the pursuit of manly things like building space ships and curing cancer and being worth a fuck. Manly.

Nightingale isn’t one the most revered woman in history though. Not only because women are allergic and afraid of history — threaten a woman with a treadmill and the History Channel and she’ll do whatever you want to escape, but also because men, who are better and smarter than women, can see right through Nightingale’s hype and bullshit. [Read more]

Ask any gay person this and he’ll tell you the same thing: “lesbians” are all fucking faking it.

“Lesbianism” is like being an animal rights activist (and also being a woman). Are those Prada shoes made out of fake leather? Is that Ortho Tri Cyclen (AKA Super Whore Pills) not made of bear bile? Wasn’t Hitler a vegetarian?

If you thought about any of those questions, you just lost a hundred Man Points. [Read more]

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again because it was funny and completely true. Women having babies is like an octopus shooting ink at a shark come dinner time — except this octopus has six tentacles in the shark’s wallet and also a layer of whore paint all over its face.

And one of its other tentacles has a foot for sticking down it’s fucking throat in front of the shark’s boss and parents. [Read more]

A lot of men (and women) ask me why women have the right to vote and, since they very much do have it, why hasn’t some kind of enormous planet sized croquet mallet smashed the Earth into the fucking sun.

The truth of it is that the Earth is in good condition because women don’t have the right to vote. They don’t; they never have; and they never fucking will. [Read more]