If you’re pressed for time on your lunch break and you walk into your favorite restaurant only to see a teamful of broads manning the registers, just turn around and walk the fuck out because you are definitely going to be late for work. Unless you want to be late for work for whatever man reasons you might have. In that case, signal that you’d like all employees in earshot to being a round of bullshit chatting by walking up to the register and ordering.

“Hi. I’d like a cheeseburger and five minutes of giggling. Oh great. Thanks. You already started.”

From Dell to Jack in the Box, women serve customers about as well as they serve pithy, insulting remarks — very poorly. Here’s why. [Read more]

Everyone knows the old saying, “Don’t let a bald man cut your hair.” It sticks because the guy’s bald and that’s funny first of all, but it’s also poignant. Having no hair of his own for who knows how long, the bald man has probably lost some of his touch when it comes to dealing with your foliculas. Or perhaps he has seen the light of the Chrome Dome — and enjoyed some of the more esoteric benefits of the bald life-style, and will now attempt to convert you without your consent. Whatever happens, you’re not getting your fucking hair cut.

Today I propose a similar saying for posterity which is based on the same theme: someone with no frame of reference, no experience, and no fucking clue at all shouldn’t be doing something that will result in the failure and sabotage of another.

Here it comes…

Never ask a fucking woman for relationship advice! [Read more]

Men are a lot like dogs. That’s right, that’s what I said. Talk to any woman about anything and eventually she’ll tell you exactly the same thing.

Men are dogs.

Of course, just like any other time a woman opens her mouth, she doesn’t have any fucking clue what she’s talking about. She’s right only because women vomit words from their mouths with such a frequency that eventually she has to be right, even though she’s probably contradicting something she’s just said, or possibly jibbering in a language she doesn’t know.

If men are dogs, then women are drunken parrots with The Home Shopping Network and a credit card on speed dial. That’s why men are better pet owners than women; because the only things women know how to do are squawk and peck. [Read more]

I had the extreme misfortune yesterday of watching a show on MTV called The Best Sixteenth Birthday in the World for One Hugely Spoilt Bitch or something like that. I don’t remember what it was. I was busy at the time. What I do remember was how absolutely fucking terribly the little girls on the show behaved — and by extension how all women behave in exactly the same manner. These are role models for young women after all. Research has been done for it.

What the show taught me was something that I already knew, men are better than women at throwing parties. Everyone knows that. P Diddy knows that. And it’s not just because women’s organizational skills are a cluster fuck and that they turn into raving psychos when they have to deal with the kind of stress involved in getting a few dozen baked goods at the corner market or getting a dress hemmed before Thursday. No, it’s because women have their party attitudes all backwards ass — like a mule has had a face drawn on its butt and been taught to walk backwards.

If you ever see that, that’s a woman throwing a party. [Read more]

I attended a number of parties and bars this weekend and I found the number of women who wantonly threw themselves at me in a drunken stupor to be appalling — among other things. Women can handle their liquor about as well as a paper towel, and the second they consume it, they default to ranting, stumbling, harlots with a two second fuse for erupting into hysterics.

Of course, the only difference between this drunken women and a sober one is that this one will actually put out. It’s just a matter of when. Before or after she passes out. [Read more]

TV was invented by a man: one Philo T. Farnsworth. It was also proliferated by men. Businessmen — who reinvented paradigms and thought so far outside the box that my man senses quake at the mention of it.

Unlike women, men are good at both inventing things and proliferating them, but that’s not what I’m talking about today.

Television, with a history rich in the juices of man, is a total success for half of Earth’s population. The other half — women — know what to do with a television set about as much as horse-toothed monkeys know how to fold road maps. [Read more]

You know what I think is hilarious: that the only successful woman pimp ever — Heidi Fleiss — was so inept that she went to prison and nearly sullied the reputation of one of the greatest thespians of the 20th century. One Charlie “The Green Machine” Sheen.

By the way, when I say “successful”, I mean successful in the way that a woman can be successful, by sleeping her way to the top and dodging the karma tornado of ineptitude for as long as possible.

Ultimately, success for a woman is having the new high score for Most Years Without Fucking Up. I think the record is like two. Princess Di probably holds it too. I don’t really know. I don’t give a shit. [Read more]

This is a modern man-age of incredible man-things: more sports magazines than you could read in a lifetime, services that will send you selections of exotic whiskies around the year, televisions that can go back in time, automatic pornography machines.

With all these things of fantasy available to any woman at the touch of a button, it makes you wonder. Why is it that women give such shitty presents? [Read more]