Men are better than women at buying groceries and we have been since the beginning of time.

Men invented gathering for the same reason. We’re better. Primitive women went out, found some vegetables growing in the ground, and then ate and shat them right there. That’s not called gathering, that’s called Ladies Night.

That’s why modern women are always complaining about not being taken out enough by their boyfriends. They want it so much because they don’t understand how to take themselves out. Once they find some food they’ll just fall asleep at the fucking table. I’ve seen forty year old women perpetrate that shit. [Read more]

I’ve never watched American Idol. I don’t eat Soy based anything for the same reason. I’m afraid of putting too much estrogen in my system.

For the record, however, men are better than women at American Idol. [Read more]

I met a woman last night who told me about a phenomenon known as “cutting”.

If you thought bulimia was pointless and stupid, you better come up with some more derogatory words for this one.

“Pointlesser” and “stupider” are not words. [Read more]

Men are like grapes. We’re awesome when we’re young, and we’re awesome when we’re old and rasin-y.

Women are like broken pianos. They’re 500 pounds, they sound like shit, and in order to get rid of one you’re going to have to do some serious conning. Also, when a broken piano is 70 years old, it still isn’t worth a damn without fifty grand of restoration. [Read more]

Between jobs and drinking buddies, there are a lot of inane clutterings about the world men know little about. Sewing is one of them. Scrapbooking is another of these things. Scrapbooking is so womanly that I have banned myself from ever appearing in a scrapbook. Such a notion sickens me.

Life is meant to be lived, fellows and gentlemen. It’s not a science project. You don’t hit life with a noxious aerosol concoction of chlorine and formaldehyde and then mount it in a shadow box.

I am a man. I am the anti-scrapbook. [Read more]

A few days ago, I was struck with a chilly sensation that went directly from my balls to my brain. That sensation is called a manpiphany, and as a man I get these manpiphanies all the time. It’s like menopausal women and hot flashes. The only difference is someone still wants to fuck me.

Within a manpiphany is a universe of thought and invention. Manpiphanies are why men are closer than women to God. One day, I invented both fire and the wheel in separate manpiphanies. I doubled my Man Points. Lucky for me, some man had already invented them both several thousand years ago. I had lots of other shit to do and getting that job done myself would have been a caveman-sized pain in my ass.

My latest manpiphany told me that men are better than women at being coaches. Sports coaches, life coaches, coach drivers; you name it, if you can stick ‘coach’ in it, men are better than women. [Read more]

If I wrote a guide to life, it would like this:

Dick Masteron’s Guide to Life

1. Shut up.
2. Get the job done.

In the end, that’s why women are such failures. Step 1, shutting up, is an impossible hurdle for their overloaded female brains. Even if their grey matter wasn’t water-logged with puppies and posting cute actors on their fucking MySpace page, women still couldn’t shut the fuck up. They have far too many stupid things to say and a limited amount of years in which to say them. Women could quit even their lamest of day jobs and take pep pills until the Apocalypse, but they still wouldn’t have enough time to empty their heads of every dumb fuck thought that congealed between their ears.

Too bad.

Just like how even you as a man can’t count to 47 trillion. Even if you count really fast. At least I don’t think you can. That’s why men invented calculators. [Read more]

Women may have club-footed their way into science; they may have even tight-sweatered their way into politics; but where are the female used car salesmen?

Nowhere. Men are better than women. [Read more]