A woman with self-reliance is like a bowling ball rolling down the street. You don’t need to pay attention to it unless it’s your bowling ball or your car in the way. If either of those are true, get your running shoes on or your credit card out. You’re about to pay for a fuck up.

No matter how many signs there are in front of an out of control bowling ball — telling it to turn around, shut the fuck up, or not return the calls of a guy who will only let it see his penis in the dark — the bowling ball won’t notice. Bowling balls are as dense as trash-compacted shit.

So are women. [Read more]

Women hog everything. They’re bed hogs, they’re attention hogs, and they’re vagina hogs. Try to get a little vagina for yourself and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re waving a white flag that looks like a fifty dollar bill, you’ll get your hand bitten off like you’re reaching for the Baco’s at a Jenny Craig convention.

Men have dicks and we share them. Women act like their vaginas are cell phone minutes. You use ’em, you lose ’em. If only divorce was that easy.
[Read more]

Lady firemen are scum.

Not scum in the way that pedophiles are scum. And not scum in the way that Crystal Gail Mangum, who falsely accused three Duke Lacrosse players of rape, is scum. But scum in the way a man would be if he tried to flush his newborn baby down the toilet because he didn’t want to tell his parents or the father about it.

Lady firemen endanger your life. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Volunteer charity work is for suckers and chumps and every woman who does it is both and then some.

Men who volunteer are geniuses. Volunteering is so much work, there’s barely any competition for all the retarded girls they’re about to nail. A dog shelter is my idea of heaven. Tons of hot and easy women lubing up their emotional sexacoasters by fucking around with abandoned puppies all day, and then putting those same cretins to death left and right because billionaires would rather have another yacht to sail around their private islands on than save a bunch of homeless shit-rats.

Fuck that’s manly. [Read more]

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Of all the women I know who are on antidepressants, 100% of them have told me.

When it comes to women and their stupid mental problems that I don’t give a fuck about, I wish patients had to respect the doctor/client confidentiality agreement as well. That would not only make my life a lot less whiny, but it would also make every first date happening in Utah on any given Friday night about two awkward silences smoother.

If you weren’t aware, Utah has the highest per capita female usage of prescription antidepressants in the world. No one knows why, but it’s probably because Utah is extremely religious, and we all know women take to religion about as well as they take to using whiskey as a lubricant. It stings you for a minute, it stings her for a lifetime.

Men are better than women. [Read more]

Men are luckier than women.

I’m not an idiot. I know that if a man flips a coin and a woman flips the same coin, they both have a 50/50 chance of getting one side or the other.

Actually, men probably have a slightly higher chance due to manliness.

It doesn’t matter anyway because men don’t dick around with games like flip the coin, where no matter how much you bet, you’re going to end up with the same amount at the end of the night. Men only bet when we’re guaranteed to lose. That’s why men love women so much. Women are a bad bet no matter how you stack your race card and no matter how young you bag them.

That’s also why men are better than women at Las Vegas. [Read more]

Women can’t hang picture frames for shit. One time, I was watching a woman hang a picture and she completely dropped it. The whole thing shattered and got glass everywhere.

Nice work, lady.

Men are better than women. [Read more]

Protecting the environment is a lot like changing your oil or cleaning a septic tank. If a man’s not in charge, everything’s going to get covered in shit.

But if a man’s not in charge, no one’s going to be there to say things are fucked anyway.

Man Zen.

Women will track mud straight up the fucking walls without batting an eye if they’re the ones doing it. You and I call that being a hypocrite. Women call it “letting their hair down”. I have a question. Where was all that hair when I wanted to see Ghost Rider on opening night? Was it stuck right up your ass? [Read more]