It was Tuesday recently and as I like to do on Tuesdays I spent the evening on my porch with a fine cigar and a glass of that Rare Kentucky Bourbon. I was attempting to light my cigar with the entire book of matches because I had seen someone do that recently only to find that matches are more combustible than they look.

Thankfully, I was completely unharmed. However, after I stomped out the book of matches and a trash can fire I found myself thinking:

If I had just caught the house on fire, would I feel safe knowing that there’s a 2% chance my rescue could be blundered by a lady fireman?

Absolutely not, I decided. Absolutely not. [Read more]

Men, on the whole, are a race of funny mans. We joke and are good at joking because it makes us feel good. It makes everyone feel good. Laughing is for pleasure. But just like half of an Oreo cookie, there is a dark side to comedy: sarcasm.

Men wield sarcasm with extreme prejudice. Lining up a battalion of facts to decimate their opponents’ defenses and bullshit and then toppling their Saddam like statue of dignity with a cutting sarcastic remark.

Women do not.

Women handling sarcasm is like a viking charging into battle with a giant salami. Dumb and embarassing. [Read more]

I can count the number of great women public speakers throughout history on one hand. Zero.

Women make lousy public speakers. They can’t engage an audience and they certainly can’t keep the attention of an audience for longer than a few minutes without relying on some kind of charlatan, amateur sexual provocation. That much is no secret.

What is worth discussing is just how much better than women men are when it comes to being eloquent with the mouth — lots better. [Read more]

Do you know why women don’t think the Three Stooges are funny? Because women aren’t funny. The Three Stooges are pretty much as hilarious as it gets.

To a woman, “funny” isn’t a special thing like it is to a man. It’s not a way to blow off steam because women don’t need to blow off steam. They usually don’t have jobs and definitely don’t have any real responsibilities, so what the fuck? Their lives are about as easy as a doormat’s.

To a woman, being “funny” just means saying something obvious and then laughing at it like a mule. [Read more]

Men are so much more considerate than women that it makes me want to start spitting all over the place. I’m a man though, so before I act, I think. I don’t just do whatever I feel like doing. In this case, I ask myself, “Hey is someone going to have to clean that up.” And if the answer is yes, I don’t do it — unless it’s going to be really funny. Then that person will probably understand. [Read more]

It should be no surprise to men that women care as much about the environment as they care about anything else — including embarrassing themselves.

They don’t care about it at all.

Sure, when you think of the term “Eco-friendly” you might think of a bunch of obnoxious women braying on endlessly with vaguely communist catch phrases that they could never possibly understand.

Do your part.

But you also might think of how cool the old McDonald’s wrappers used to be before a man in charge changed them from Styrofoam to 100% recycled paper.

Guess which one of these actually helped the problem. [Read more]

Wherever there is a league of sports, there is a separate and exclusive women’s league to weep in its shadow. That’s because a man playing against a woman in any sport is like Superman playing against a team of cacti wearing funny, oversized sunglasses.

It’s cute and hilarious. [Read more]

Have you ever heard a woman talk about a man wearing a suit? Good Lord, it’s disgusting. Whenever my man-sense (which is a lot like common sense except hundreds of times more powerful) tells me that the topic is a-brewin, I immediately reach for a pair of galoshes because all of the nearby women are about to commence drooling like savages.

It makes one wonder, if women are so obsessed with how men dress, why do all women dress like complete shit? [Read more]