The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’

Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and boobs all wrapped in a fabric casing that cost ten times more than it should. How the fuck is a flannel shirt $89 at American Apparel? Since when did lumberjacks and lesbians spend more than a steak dinner on their work clothes? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

The point is, women wouldn’t know physical definition if it was staring them in the face — even if it had only 3% body fat like Nicolas Cage in Con Air. That’s because men are better than women at going to the gym. [Read more]

Welcome fellows and gentlemen to the Dick Masterson/Super Frat crossover comic event!

Stay tuned all month to find out how I save the day as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective — and maybe teach the boys at Lambda Sigma Rho something about the Art of Chauvinism.

While reading this amazing comic, I thought of something profound.

Men are better than women at comics. [Read more]

This letter was sent to me from America’s Heartland.

Dear Dick,

I live in Nebraska where anyone with a decent job can afford to buy a house. Recently, I’m seeing a trend in the amount of women who feel that they can AND SHOULD buy their own house. “How the fuck do these women expect to mow the lawn?” I asked a friend of mine who is buying a house. She replied, “You.” After I finished laughing, she asked if she could borrow my lawnmower to do it. “How are you going to get the mower from my house to yours?” I said. She replied, “Your truck.”

Property ownership for women should be discouraged, starting at the real estate agent.

CE in Nebraska.

Well said, CE in Nebraska. Women should not own property.

A woman owning property is like giving a monkey a dog on a leash. It doesn’t mean the monkey has a pet. It means some idiot tied a dog to a monkey.

Women owning property doesn’t mean that they themselves aren’t property.

But what’s the worst that could happen? So a few women buy a few houses and fuck them up, it’s not like that will fuck up the entire global economy, right?

Wrong. Women caused the subprime mortgage meltdown. [Read more]

Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove.

Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely published pornographic newsletter: a marauding gang of drunk sluts scavenging small towns for attention after midnight.

Prurient Fiction.

Imagine a bachelorette party in the context of a show like Leave it to Beaver. Are you going out with your fiancee this weekend Wally? No I’m not, Beave. Because she’s going out with 8 of her friends to get drunk as fuck, act like a whore, and cry, fight, and slobber over anything with a cock.

Bachelor parties are the epitome of a healthy human society. Bachelorette parties are the opposite. What a fucking surprise it is that bachelor parties are just like this website: by men, for men only. If any women want in, prepare to bare your tits. [Read more]

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.

But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.

Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.

Female EMT’s are deadly. [Read more]

Throughout history, musical prodigies who were all men have revolutionized music, leaving exotic new tapestries of sound behind for the world to enjoy. That’s called immortality and it’s completely off-limits to women.

In order to join the ranks of the immortal, you have to give the world something that can’t eventually cash a social security check. Women can’t do that. As a man, reaching your potential may take longer than 9 months.

But there’s another type of musician that’s equally important to music. Bands. Even though most of them suck, most bands are not the worst of the worst. Most bands are not girl bands.

Girl bands are shit. [Read more]

I like my coffee like I like my women: cheap and brought to me by another woman. And just like women, coffee is nothing to get excited about.

Coffee is like a penis. It’s a tool a man uses to get the job done as quickly as possible. It’s not a reason to wake up in the morning and it’s not a philosophy.

In that case, coffee is exactly like a penis because that’s what both are to women: a reason to live. [Read more]

When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients.

Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one was a criminal and each was moxier and manlier than the last.

What I don’t think about when I think of world class law breaking, is some ranting bitch trying to scream her way out of a parking ticket. Men invented the law. It’s no wonder men are better than women at breaking it.

Also, God gave women tits to get out of traffic tickets. Not lungs and certainly not brains. [Read more]