I was getting so many text messages from hot babes on New Year’s Eve that my phone overloaded and permanently shut down. At least that’s what the technician at the Verizon store told me and I have no reason to doubt him. Not only does that mean I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women — but it also means that it’s a new year, and thus time for a Dick Masterson Annual Man Challenge.

Congratulations to all of you who passed my Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge. It was a tough one and by my estimation only two of you actually passed, but you all had fun trying.

Now buckle up your boners, gentlemen, because even you two returning gladiators are going to need an extra set of nuts to beat this year’s Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge. [Read more]

At the beginning of a new year, most people waste their time reflecting on the year past, compiling useless lists like “the top ten greatest catch phrases of 2007”, and “which young starlet had the most disappointing amateur porn of herself “unwantedly” posted to the internet in 2007″.

The greatest catch phrase of 2007 was “hit the treadmill” by myself, Dick Masterson, and I have never been more disappointed to see a pair of tits than I was with Vanessa Hudgens. Is she even legal? Reflection over. Now, it’s time for some manflection.

Men look forward, we don’t look back. We look upward, never downward. And if there’s a little girl running around, we look at our flies to make sure they’re closed. There’s no sense in traumatizing little girls with the unfathomable. In that spirit, I present the first annual 2008 Dick Masterson Man Challenge. [Read more]

Today marks the end of Female Illiteracy Month, and thus the end of my Dick Fights Female Illiteracy Contest, where one lucky lady could strap on some spellsmanship and win herself 50 dollars — or a video game for a starving child.

Today was the deadline.

Color me unsurprised to find only a fistful of submissions man-stuffing my mailbox. Many of them were filed improperly and have been disqualified. There were one or two fatties trying to horn in on the action — at least I’m sure they were as they didn’t mention their weight, which was a clear violation of the contest rules. The remaining few told me what I already knew and what I’ve said many times: as a man, my spelling is beyond perfection.

I’m surprised I received any submissions at all. [Read more]

I get countless emails and comments from irate women bemoaning my spelling and grammar. What the fuck do irate women know about spelling and grammar? Compared to other genders, female literacy rates are appallingly low. That’s why I’m taking it upon myself to declare June “Female Literacy Month�? and offer the following incentive for women to improve their abysmal spellsmanship.

As of July 1st 12 noon, the woman who finds the most spelling mistakes on this website, made by yours truly, will be given her choice of $50 or I will purchase a video game for a starving child. I’ll leave the choice up to her, so I think we all know which she’s going to pick.

Women are so fucking selfish. [Read more]