This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.

Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?

Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:

“glthk”

If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn. [Read more]

Women are obsessed with plastic surgery, and one of the fastest growing surgical trends this Thanksgiving is the rejuvenating, revitalizing, reinvigorating vaginoplasty.

The rejuvenating, revitalizing, reinvigorating vaginoplasty puts the “tight” in a twat; it takes the “loose” from a labia; it crams the “new” into a snootch; and it takes at least three kids off the odometer. When marriage counseling doesn’t work, and since women are too possessive to give threesomes a shot, they’re turning to the same thing that brought us taxes, Charles Manson, and the Vagina Monologues.

The vagina. [Read more]

Out of the hundreds of men I have asked, only one has known the true and correct definition of The Donkey Punch.

The Donkey Punch is like the Highlander. There can be only one. Prepare to be educated. [Read more]

I was sent this question by Max.

Dick, I’ve met this woman who obviously likes me, but she keeps her guard up as far as dating goes. She even told me thats why she got her dog a few years ago. Because the dog will always love her no matter what. What should I do?

I would have thought a man who shared his name with one of the manliest men in cinema, Mad Max, would know a thing or two about seeing through women and their endless bullshit.

Grab a sword and a piece of paper, Max. You and your shitty girlfriend are about to enter the Thunderdome. [Read more]

This question comes to me from William Black.

I wonder why women use “LOL”, “ROFL”, and “STFU”‘s when they type. Is it some cutesy, stupid thing added to distract from the fact that their woman argument holds no water? Have you ever seen a man use one of those? I think not.

I talk to my man-mates with instant messaging as little as possible. Each instant message you send is a loss of 2 Man Points. You better believe I lose Man Points as little as possible.

The same rate goes for text messaging as well. Unless you’ve worked out an unlimited Man Point text messaging program with your local Man Bank.

Text and instant messaging are what happens when you take 100 billion dollars of telecommunications technology and paint it pink. [Read more]

I am asked the following question a lot, so I might as well answer it once and for all. This version comes to me from Justin.

Dick,

Try as I may, I cannot filter through bullshit to figure out what it means to be a man. As a young scholar with an addictive personality, I humbly seek your guidance in my quest for mandom. Can you give me an outline of what a man is and what his responsibilities to the world are?

Good question, Justin. Firstly, you have to figure out what it really is that you’re looking for. You’re not looking for an outline of mandom. You’re looking for a road map to manhood. That’s much manlier. [Read more]

This question was sent to me by Jordan:

My problem is inherently sexual. I am completely disgusted by American women. I am 22 years old, and I have spent the last three years avoiding sex because I refuse to allow these ugly American bitches to feel “pretty”, regardless of the benefit to me.

It’s driving me up the wall. I honestly feel that if I don’t get laid soon, I will kill myself. Any advice?

This Ask Dick question affected me deeply, as the loss of a man’s life is one of the biggest tragedies there is. Every time I see a bunch of women on television whining about some puppy mill that was just discovered in the trailer next door, it makes me want to throw a cinder block through the television.

Fuck puppies. Some man somewhere didn’t get laid today. That’s a tragedy. [Read more]

I was sent this question by Marco the Man.

I can’t think of a single late night female talk-show host. Why are most talk-show hosts men?

All late night talk-show hosts are men because people are trying to have sex during “late night”. There’s nothing that’s more unpleasant to hear during sex than a woman comedian laughing awkwardly at her own jokes, while a studio audience sits in silence, twiddling their funny-bones.

Sex is why Leno has higher ratings than Letterman. The presence of a black man in the bedroom (even on television) sends women into a frenetic sexual hysteria. Paul Schafer is not even a little bit black. [Read more]