You know how you can’t bring drugs or tigers to the airport? Women should also not be allowed within a hundred yards of an airport. Here are the reasons.

Women can’t drive.
Women can’t lift shit.
Women can’t shut up.

Like usual, I think I’ve made my point.

Without women, a modern day port of airplanes would function like a finely tuned machine or the very bloodstream of man. Cars would whip here and there; luggage would be thrown directly from the carousel into the open trunks of perpetually circling cars. My God it would be a hell of a thing.

Modern day Airports, however, fucking suck. Logically that leaves one conclusion: women fuck up airports. Let’s investigate this theory.

Women can’t drive in an airport for shit. By and large and on a day to day basis, women do a poor, and unacceptable, but not illegal impression of actual drivers. That’s fine for driving to shoe sales and designer coffee kiosks, but when that kind of woman-ness stumbles and fumbles itself all over an airport, all hell breaks loose.

Women drive at airports as though they’re driving on the regular road. That’s why they’re terminal cancer. Get it? Airplane terminal and terminal (as in fatal) cancer? Manamusing if I don’t say so myself.

Airports are not a time for that kind of lackadaisical shit. People are there to get their friends and loved ones and then to get the fuck out. That means it’s a time to drive as aggressively as possible. It’s like getting out of the parking lot of a sporting event, or getting off the tube — both of which men know plenty about because we love sports and we have jobs. The quickest and most efficient way of doing either is to close your eyes, run head-first into the mob and let your manstincts take over. It is not a time to sit around with your head in Mexico wondering why no one will let you in because you’re already a half hour late.

Secondly, women have about as much reason to be anywhere near the luggage carousel at as they do inside a voting booth. Nothing about a woman’s body or her brain gives any kind of indication that this is a safe or useful place for her to be. It’s like bringing a flashlight to a beach barbeque. What are you fucking stupid?

Plus, women handling baggage are hazards. Why, I’ve seen a woman nearly knock three small children flat on their asses because she was trying to pull her suitcase off of the conveyor. I thought about calling child services, but then I realized the problem: the suitcase was moving at an astounding 3 mile an hour clip.

3 miles an hour! Holy shit! Someone get some special equipment for handling that baggage. Equipment called ‘a man’. The bigger message here is that no woman can lift or carry anything — especially her own weight. And when you’re anywhere that sitting around mindlessly gabbing isn’t conducive to progress, women are completely useless.

In that way, airports are a lot like life — exactly like life.

This entry was posted under Doings and Dealings.