I’m going to talk about Britney Spears’ stupid vagina today even though I don’t see anything newsworthy or remotely interesting about what’s happened.

In that case, I’m going to use my man ability to turn something stupid and dull into something of value. Have you ever seen some homeless weirdo on the beach paint beautiful pictures out of chalk and trashcans? Or some other man and some fire turn a bunch of wood into more fire? That’s what I’m talking about.

Men are better than women because penises are better than vaginas.

Here’s why I don’t give even half a damn about Britney Spears and her precious fucking vagina.

Item 1: A female celebrity took some whorish pictures.

So has every woman. Browse MySpace for about five seconds for proof of that, or better yet just go take some random pictures of naked women. Why do you think photographers get laid so much? Women love that compromising manner of shit.

Item 2: A recently divorced woman took some whorish pictures.

Women are so completely incapable of affecting the world around them the only way they can try to hurt anyone (including an ex-husband) is by hurting themselves. Have you heard of bulimia? A lot of men haven’t because it’s a stupid problem and men don’t waste their time on stupid bullshit. Bulimia is the condition in which some poor fucking princess tries to get back at the world by abusing herself alone in the dark. What a waste of time!

Item 3: Vaginas are gross.

I’ve heard about Britney Spears and her fucking vagina pictures from three separate women today, who were each frothing at the mouth like rabid turkeys and flapping their giblets in such fervor I thought something gross was going to pop off of something else gross.

And so did they.

Women are gross and have cooties and they know it. That’s why they’re all so fucking excited about Britney Spears and her vagina and her smiley face caesarian scar. It’s like women all over the world are walking around this week wearing T-shirts that say “Vaginas Are” on the front part and then “Gross!” in big fuck off capital letters on the back.

Well you know what, for once women are right.

Men and their penises are featured not only in historic statues of artistic fame and incalculable worth, but also in comedies like Something About Mary and the advertisements for Deuce Bigolo 2. The man fact of the world is that penises have been bringing laughter and wonderment to the world for hundreds of thousands of years.

The only thing vaginas have ever done is ruined tasteful photos.

This entry was posted under Wallow in It.