I made a rule with myself one summer when I was quite a bit younger. I won’t bore you with the story because it’s not all that funny or interesting and I’m a man and not a woman. Women will sit around all day and tell the most boring stories in the world back and forth like a pair of mimes playing ping pong.

Actually I take that back. A story implies some kind of a goddamn point. No woman has ever had one of those.

The rule I made was:

Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t hold their own passport.

Effectively I have also heard the same basic advice given as such:

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

But quite frankly I think there is a time and a place for remarks of that nature — the blue and bawdy nature — and this isn’t either one.

No woman has ever been in charge of her own passport. This isn’t in the same way no woman has ever been in charge of the dinner bill either. Women can’t do math. That’s been proven again and again for thousands of years. That’s why men have always paid for dinner. It’s not about chivalry or any of that shit. It’s that women can’t add or subtract or fucking count to 20 without sandals on. Making them count up the bill in their little heads will just waste your time and embarrass and humiliate them.

As every man knows, A publicly embarrassed woman means no one is getting fucked tonight — except for you and the dinner you just bought. And that’s why men are in charge of the tab.

Passports are completely different. Men are in charge of passports because women hate them — passports, not men. It’s a funny thought to hold in your man-brain that women hate passports; especially seeing as how a man’s passport is in a man’s pants and women worship everything else in there like it’s made of Antidote. I’m talking about keys, wallets, and cocks here. Did I miss anything?

Ask yourself this: have you ever known a man who lost his passport?

There is absolutely no fucking way in the whole entire Earth that you have. Men don’t pull that kind of shit. I doubt it’s even possible. Even if a man walked to the edge of the sea and chucked his passport in, somehow it would probably be in his underwear drawer upon returning home. It’s like some kind of natural man magic. It’s not important. What does matter is that it’s a complete fact.

Women resent passports like they’re good advice. The bottom line is that women cannot stand the thought of anything summing them up by even the smallest degree. Women don’t even technically like being called human beings because it implies something about them. That’s why women “invent” all kinds of fucking stupid new age terms like “Goddess” and “Wind Goddess” and “Life Bearer”. It’s all a bunch of rinky-dink, primary school jerking off that gives my dog a fucking headache.

Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t carry their own passport. If you would, get the fuck out of here because you’re a woman and on your way out the door hand your passport to the nearest man.

This entry was posted under Doings and Dealings.