Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating.

Short version: Fuck marriage.

Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever expect: Oprah Magazine.

Gentlemen, I present the Mid-Wife Crisis. Get ready to see a journalist package self-loathing and selfishness as introspection — and then sell that shit to the dumbest bunch of cows on Earth: readers of Oprah Magazine.

Read this for a reason to say, “I don’t.” [Read more]

A penny saved is a woman fired.

One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You.

Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of her own children. That’s why strippers never graduate. When women see dollar signs, their brains turn into shit.

By hiring a man over a woman, you are not only getting a more qualified, more competent, less smelly employee, you’re also lowering your chances of being sued for providing a hostile work environment to zero.

But even if you do get sued for sexual harassment, it’s bullshit.

Sexual harassment doesn’t exist. [Read more]

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.

But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.

Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.

Female EMT’s are deadly. [Read more]

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China. [Read more]

Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy of your own homes.

Unfortunately, thousands of these behemoths opt to cover themselves in a sequin tarp and head out anyway. Thankfully for us, they get turned away at the door. Anyplace that sets their drink prices at 15 dollars a pop should provide an atmosphere free of muffin tops, front cracks, and desperate whales. Trust me, you haven’t seen real desperation until you’ve been hit on by a drunk fat girl. A more pathetic spectacle of self-loathing, denial, and tears, I have not seen matched.

All this happens every weekend and up until today, no one has ever given a fuck. This weekend, however, some size 16 womanatee by the name of Georgina Mason decided to call the police about it.

Someone should have called the police on her fat ass — for fifty counts of negligent bonercide. [Read more]