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A single mother in Florida by the name of Deven Traboscia is selling her house and herself on eBay for the low, low price of $840,000.

Did I say low price? I meant outrageous price!

In her own words, prospective buyers are paying $340,000 for her two-thousand square foot home, and $500,000 for her unknown square foot vagina — which she’s already used to pop out two kids. Doesn’t sound like a great deal to me.

I’m no state-licensed vagina appraiser, but at 42 years old, and after having served two active tours of duty as a human cloner, that pussy is going for about a million dollars a square foot. The warranty on that thing has expired. The elastic band on thrift store underpants are tighter than that turkey gobbler. The girl’s junk would make a better shammy than a sex toy.

$500,000? In the immortal words of Gerrit Graham, “That’s too fuckin high!” [Read more]

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The 10th installment and the start of a new season in my sensational voicemail series.

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The number one way to get whatever you want out of a woman is to withhold attention.

Top Three Ways to Get What You Want From a Woman

3. Be Rich or Famous
2. Insult Her
1. Withhold Attention

Is she lipping off at the mouth? Withhold attention.
Is she a great big fat person? Withhold some attention.
Is she not putting out? Withhold that fucking attention!

Today, I have proof of the above other than just the barometer of my thermometer.

To those of you who are unlearned in the school of meteorology, a barometer is a device used to measure a change in pressure of the local atmosphere. This change is commonly used to detect impending rain. Here I have used it to indicate the “wetness” of my penis, a very clever joke and possibly a new all time great in the lexicon of sex euphemisms.

And I’ve done this before 9 AM. Like I’ve always said, “Men do more world changing before 9 AM than women do in their whole worthless lives.” I just proved it.

Women are four times more likely to give out personal information in exchange for candy. Throw “free candy” on the list. [Read more]

A few months ago, I lived a life-long dream when I was interviewed by Marcus of mega64.com. Here is that interview.

From personal experience, I can say that Marcus’ mustache is not only bigger than Dr. Phil’s, but it also doesn’t have clumps of make-up caked around the sides. Unless you’re KISS or The Ultimate Warrior, make-up is a loss of Man Points.

For those of you wondering why I would agree to such an interview, please consult Marcus’ expose on women in the video game industry below. Women in the video game industry are like women at a bachelor party. They’re only there because of their tits.

For all you stupid cunts who email me, consult the above sentence for a “grammar trifecta fuck you” and a guide on the proper use of they’re, there, and their.

“9 out of 10 women say they’d rather chat up a guy who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car,” says a survey brought to us by GM — a company that sells electric fucking cars.

As a man who owns a bitchin sports convertible that runs on premium, burns through tires like they’re made of wax, and makes eco-friendly cars piss themselves with oil when it rumbles by (like in the Transformers movie), I feel I should respond to the above survey.

9 out of 10 women: I don’t give a shit about you.

You 90% of women are the lower 90% of women. You are the 1’s, 2’s, 3’s, 4’s, 5’s, 6’s, 7’s, 8’s, and 9’s of the world and you can go fuck a midget for all I care. You’re not hot enough for me to pretend you even exist.

If you want to know why 9 out of 10 women “prefer” men who drive eco-friendly cars, watch a movie called A Beautiful Mind and take notes. Those women “prefer” losers because they are losers. They know they can’t get any better so they change their preferences to maximize their benefits. It’s straight economics. Then watch a movie called Caddyshack.

“The world needs ditch diggers too.” [Read more]