They told me it was impossible. They told me it was too expensive. They told me it was the stupidest thing they’d ever heard.

They were wrong.

Hold onto your man beans, fellows and gentlemen, while I present the ultimate plan for the ultimate fund raiser: The Man Billboard.

Screaming at a woman is like running on a treadmill. It’s not going to get you anywhere because women are as dense as lead shit, and it’s a loss of Man Points.

Wasting time is a loss of Man Points.

Women understand a good screaming at as much as a dog. You could sound like a logical jet engine, but the yap won’t shut, the budget won’t be learned, and the shoes will still get eaten. Turn it up to 11 if you want, but know that your Engine of Correction is powered on burning Man Points.

Also, according to a new study, screaming at your wife or girlfriend is good for your health — just like running on a treadmill. Maybe it’s not such a waste of time after all. [Read more]

This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.

Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?

Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:

“glthk”

If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn. [Read more]

Valentine’s Day is the natural extension of a sickness that has befouled the female race since the beginning of time. That sickness is called gimmie-ism: an insatiable hunger for free shit no matter what the context. If a woman sees it, she wants it and she doesn’t care how she gets it.

That’s why men wear neckties. They’re a subtle, visual reminder of The Penis.

Women are like zombies with romantic knick-knacks and other sentimental trash. Zombie pigs. No matter what the reason for it is, if it reeks of love and it’s in front of her, a woman will consume it with a maximum of grunting and moaning. Enter Valentine’s Day; a day that appeals to anyone who appreciates a gift given out of obligation and resent.

No woman would be as happy with the same gifts given on February 15th. Whatever percentage of happiness is lost is the exact percentage of “cunt” that woman is.

Fuck the “spirit of giving”. A woman would appreciate a gift pried out of your cold, dead hands. A woman would appreciate a gift pried out of the cold, dead hands of the child who mined it and mounted it on a ring. A woman would feel special at a wedding even if she was pregnant.

Every time you see a woman at a bar without a drink, know that she’s got a rampant case of gimmie-ism. She’ll die of thirst if someone doesn’t pay the requisite 10.50 plus tip for a chance to brush against one of her tits.

Enjoy these man Valentine’s Day cards and remember that Valentine’s Day is on Wednesday February 14th.

If I gave $20,000 to an orphanage because I wanted orphans to be happy, a bunch of orphans would be happy and everyone would agree that I’m a fucking great guy.

If I gave $20,000 to an orphanage because I burned one to the ground when I was twelve and I feel guilty as shit about it, a bunch of orphans would be happy and everyone would agree that I’m a fucking great guy.

Welcome to the real world.

Motives don’t mean shit to orphans. Motives don’t mean shit to anyone. In fact, motives only mean something to those of us who have the luxury of falling vagina-first into money and never having to use our brains for anything but a hobby.

Those of us are called women, and those of us need to fuck off my website. [Read more]

Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.

Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.

1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.

Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that. [Read more]

It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.

Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.

Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.

At least that’s what a new study says. [Read more]

“Now we’re getting serious, because next is the guys.” – Hulk Hogan, The New American Gladiators

The original American Gladiators was among the top imangination breakthroughs of the early 90’s, picking up right where Miami Vice left off in terms of awesome spectacle and manly attire. Like all men, I cannot possibly describe with words how excited I was to hear it returning this fall. I could only describe that feeling in explosions or the sound of women orgasming.

Like the original American Gladiators, I find myself torn on the series. Half of it is enthralling and gripping television, sausage-packed with suspense and triumph; while the other half just kind of wallows around in apathy, having no strategy, not really understanding the games, and generally having no purpose in life or on television.

Why the fuck are women on American Gladiators?

Women ruin half of American Gladiators. [Read more]