Men are luckier than women.

I’m not an idiot. I know that if a man flips a coin and a woman flips the same coin, they both have a 50/50 chance of getting one side or the other.

Actually, men probably have a slightly higher chance due to manliness.

It doesn’t matter anyway because men don’t dick around with games like flip the coin, where no matter how much you bet, you’re going to end up with the same amount at the end of the night. Men only bet when we’re guaranteed to lose. That’s why men love women so much. Women are a bad bet no matter how you stack your race card and no matter how young you bag them.

That’s also why men are better than women at Las Vegas. [Read more]

When I think of a man I think of several things: successful, smells great, nuclear explosions of brilliance and poignancy. When I think of a woman, I usually think of something retarded, like a mule or a donkey with no real friends who can’t drive and has a lifespan that stretches well beyond her years of usefulness.

Maybe that’s why women are always so pissed off. Donkeys are stubborn because they have hooves and can’t do anything. Women are opinionated loud-mouths for the same reason. They just don’t have the hooves. [Read more]

Today marks the end of Female Illiteracy Month, and thus the end of my Dick Fights Female Illiteracy Contest, where one lucky lady could strap on some spellsmanship and win herself 50 dollars — or a video game for a starving child.

Today was the deadline.

Color me unsurprised to find only a fistful of submissions man-stuffing my mailbox. Many of them were filed improperly and have been disqualified. There were one or two fatties trying to horn in on the action — at least I’m sure they were as they didn’t mention their weight, which was a clear violation of the contest rules. The remaining few told me what I already knew and what I’ve said many times: as a man, my spelling is beyond perfection.

I’m surprised I received any submissions at all. [Read more]