I get countless emails and comments from irate women bemoaning my spelling and grammar. What the fuck do irate women know about spelling and grammar? Compared to other genders, female literacy rates are appallingly low. That’s why I’m taking it upon myself to declare June “Female Literacy Month�? and offer the following incentive for women to improve their abysmal spellsmanship.

As of July 1st 12 noon, the woman who finds the most spelling mistakes on this website, made by yours truly, will be given her choice of $50 or I will purchase a video game for a starving child. I’ll leave the choice up to her, so I think we all know which she’s going to pick.

Women are so fucking selfish. [Read more]

Men are better than women at buying groceries and we have been since the beginning of time.

Men invented gathering for the same reason. We’re better. Primitive women went out, found some vegetables growing in the ground, and then ate and shat them right there. That’s not called gathering, that’s called Ladies Night.

That’s why modern women are always complaining about not being taken out enough by their boyfriends. They want it so much because they don’t understand how to take themselves out. Once they find some food they’ll just fall asleep at the fucking table. I’ve seen forty year old women perpetrate that shit. [Read more]

I’ve never watched American Idol. I don’t eat Soy based anything for the same reason. I’m afraid of putting too much estrogen in my system.

For the record, however, men are better than women at American Idol. [Read more]

Men are better than women at everything, but doesn’t that also mean men used to be better than women at everything?

Yes it does. Men are better than women at the 70’s. [Read more]

I met a woman last night who told me about a phenomenon known as “cutting”.

If you thought bulimia was pointless and stupid, you better come up with some more derogatory words for this one.

“Pointlesser” and “stupider” are not words. [Read more]

I was sent this question by a reader:

In the beginning, when God made men and women, it was pretty simple. God made men strong and smart so they could hunt and he made women to carry children, cook and clean. Then as women realized how much greater men were they started to attempt manly jobs. Now, women get pissed at men because they have to do their day job then come home and do what God intended for them to. What do you think?

The reason women are so fucked in their heads these days is because they invented The Career Woman. The Career Woman is like that guy in Short Circuit. Not that guy; that robot. He can’t do anything right, it takes two other guys to babysit him all day, and before he learned his lesson he caused about ten million dollars in property damage. Go watch that film with an insurance adjuster. He’ll tell you. [Read more]

I forgot Mother’s Day again just like I do every year. You know what that makes me? Every mother’s dream son. Mother’s don’t want a bunch of bullshit and spectacle for Mother’s Day. Well, they may want it, but for their own sake you shouldn’t give it to them. Here’s why.

A woman expecting a present is like a hydrophobic dog waiting for a reprieve on doggy death row. It’s hysterical, it’s frantic, it’s frothing at the mouth and slobbering all over the place, but most importantly, it’s going to be disappointed. [Read more]

There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.

I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.

“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.

This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini. [Read more]