Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?

No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.

Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why. [Read more]

I only had to watch the Colbert Report a few times to realize Stephen Colbert deserved a spot of honor among the Manliest Man Men of our day.

Please note this is not to be confused with the Manliest Man Men of all time. I don’t know who the third Manliest Man Man of all time would be. Maybe Ghengis Khan? Steve McQueen? Steve McQueen is like a super manly man wearing a kilt. He’s wearing a fucking skirt, but he’s so manly it’s called a kilt and furthermore it’s the basis for the whole Scottish culture.

The only way Steve McQueen could be more manly was if his name was Fairy McWoman. [Read more]

I’m kicking off a week of articles on manly man men today. Manly man men who excel in the field of manness at all times; not only above and beyond my own man standards (mandards), but by kicking the shit out of theirs as well.

That’s what being a man is all about: surprising yourself. I surprise myself ten times a day at least.

I’ve also surprised myself by starting this week of articles on a Friday. Do you think a week of Manly Man Men could be contained in 7 days? I don’t fucking think so. [Read more]

I heard about something called ED last night. Apparently that stands for Erectile Dysfunction and it’s a problem for some fabricated percentage of men.

It should be called SW not ED. That stands for Shitty Wife because if you have ED, there’s a 100% chance that you also have an SW or perhaps an ESW. [Read more]

There are a lot of things that are exactly like life. Actually most things are like life. That’s why men are such good poets and musicians. We make comparisons between things and life as I have just done. It’s called being creative.

Boardgames are also like life. And guess what, women suck at them. [Read more]

Going bald is like the man-menopause of being a man. So long as “increased chance of osteoporosis” actually means “increased chance of bagging a hot babe with your brand new, red, sports convertible.

Babes love bald because it’s manly. Here are my top ten reasons why. [Read more]

Young, female-type drivers have lower insurance premiums all over Earth. Even in ancient times, this was true.

What is not true, however, is that young women are better drivers than young men. The truth is exactly the opposite. Young men are better drivers than women.

Don’t believe me? Then you’re probably a woman and you should just use all the money you save on your car insurance to buy a fucking clue.

Man Points. [Read more]

Guns are awesome. In fact, a gun is the manliest thing there is.

I take that back. The manliest thing there is would be a hot car or some kind of super motorcycle with guns attached to it. In that case, it’s a case of chicken and egg. Is the car manlier because of the guns or are the guns manlier because of the car? What about a tank? Where does it play into this manly game?

Wherever the fuck it wants. It’s a tank. [Read more]