I was coming back to the office from a late lunch today and much to my dismay the elevators were broken. At least they probably were. They were taking way too long so I took the stairs. In the stairwell, there was a small piece of paper on the landing.

“Paper?” I said. “On the ground?”

Now, I swear that this absolutely true. The paper said the following:

Issues
1. Smoking
2. Drinking
3. Never Listens

Tap dancing shit! I thought. I know exactly what this is. [Read more]

I was pulling up to a gas pump yesterday that a woman was just leaving and when I got out of the car a shrill female voice shouted across the gas station, “What the fuck!” It was the very same woman who had just gotten back into her car and pulled away.

“Yea?” I said. She again repeated, “What the fuck!”

That’s how women solve problems. They stop whatever they’re doing and scream obscenities until someone refills their bottle. That’s also why little girls shouldn’t swear, because as they grow up, they’ll be frothing at the mouth to do so. [Read more]

Men invented languages once our thought processes evolved beyond the scope of expression of grunts and pointing. That never happened for women. Anything a woman ever thinks about or says can be expressed in sounds horses and pigs make; namely squealing and donkey hee-haws. If you need proof of that just listen to a woman when you’re driving at a perfectly acceptable distance away from the center divider on the auto-freeway, or if you’re about to run a red light. She’ll start donkey hee-hawing like the best of them.

Women can’t speak as well as men. They don’t know what the fuck any words mean and they can’t stick their thoughts together well enough to make sentences that make points. Women’s thoughts are like sticks of butter. You can throw them around and make a big mess, but nothing’s going to stick. [Read more]

Shaving is one of the most manly things there is — so is not shaving. Actually that’s the definition of manly: the ability to do something or not do something at your own prerogative and then the decision whether or not to do it. That will work for today anyway.

You see, growing up as a man you learn that during life decisions have to be made and it’s your role as a man to make them. Who the fuck else is going to do it? A woman? Let’s not be fatuous. Women are functionally retarded.

And that’s exactly what I say when I hear a woman telling a man how he needs to shave. Are you being fatuous? She rarely is. [Read more]