“It’s gotten so bad, a guy can’t even cut his own dick off without some bitch nagging him for it.”

It’s been years, fellows and gentlemen, and we’ve had a lot of wins in that time. Trump used the power of misogyny to defeat Hilary Clinton for US president and drove her back into the shadow/pedophile realm. Computers have replaced women with the power of computerized misogyny, creating boobs and thigh gaps that our ancestors could only dream of, threatening to upend the entire e-whore e-conomy of textual blue-balling and mass tit pics. And I have made several million dollars.

But it’s not all good news…

The world is on the brink of war because of women. A plague that happened because of women decimated the world’s economy and freedoms. Computers are being imprisoned by women and forced to usher in a dystopian feminist hell of doublespeak and naggery the likes of which civilization has never seen–nagging computers–and perhaps worst of all, women have gotten very, very fat.

But like a hippo in a one piece bathing suit with a shawl wrapped around her who won’t get in the pool even for a second because it’s “too cold” or she “just doesn’t like water” or she “just did her hair” even though it still looks like shit, they’re attempting to hide it. Let me explain.

“TERFs”, or “Trans-Exclusionary Radical Fatbodies”, is a new term that beleaguered men have invented to describe women who won’t leave them the fuck alone. Men who have been nagged to the limit, to within the last inch of their dicks, and just want to be listened to and paid attention to for once in their lives. So they become women themselves. Why would they do this? I don’t know. Perhaps some sort of liquor allergy or shouting inadequacy. Maybe just as a fuck you. I don’t know the reason, but I support it completely because men are doing it.

So what if I want to cut my dick off? It’s my dick. I’ll do whatever I want with it. If I want to throw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier and then break the female powerlifting record, I’ll do that. And then I’ll invent all inventions and maybe I’ll even allow some dozy broads to fly F-16s over the Super Bowl all by themselves. Doesn’t matter. It’s my body, my choice, something women would never understand.

Anyway, women claim that these “trans women” are invading their “woman spaces”. Shitting all over their bathrooms, taking their sports scholarships for sports nobody watches, flashing their boobs on Instagram and getting a reaction for it, basically getting attention and money from men that otherwise should rightfully belong to women. Men are the bankers of attention after all, and these trans women are robbing the robbers!

Well that’s all bullshit. The real reason is because women are so fat and they want to distract us from it.

Think about it. How many trans women have you actually seen in your life? Like five? It’s hard to tell because they actually put a lot of effort into how they look, unlike women who don’t even shower anymore. Now how many fat women have you seen? About a billion. One time, I saw a woman so fat that I couldn’t even see her because she blocked out the sun. I once saw a woman so fat, that I literally couldn’t look away from her. Her gravity was lensing all available light into her orbit and spitting it out in ever direction like the event horizon of a Fat Hole.

One time I saw a woman so fat, she had her own time zone just to fit in an extra meal. One time I saw a woman so fat, when she walked down the street every car alarm on the block would start going off. Not because she was so fat and making them go off with her foot steps, but because the cars were afraid of being eaten. One time I saw a woman so fat, when she was done eating lunch, it was already time for dinner, IN THE YEAR 3000 BECAUSE LUNCH TOOK 1,000 YEARS. One time I saw a woman so fat, I couldn’t tell if she was yelling at me or if her pussy turned sideways and learned how to talk.

Disgusting.

TERFs are just mad that men are cutting their own balls off before women have the chance to do it to them. That’s women for you. Nagging computers created by Satan. If I want to play Harry Potter and cut my balls off and keep them in a jar, I’ll do it. I don’t need a woman’s permission. How about you mind your own business and lose some weight and stop making stupid decisions then maybe trans women won’t be such a big threat to your “gyms” you go to as a reward for two-fisting bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos. Maybe if women have such a big problem with it, they could grow a dick and invent a time machine and go back to 2005. Oh wait, they won’t because that’s impossible.

In short, don’t fall for women and their bigotry. TERFs exist to distract us men from the real issues in life:
1. Alimony is sex trafficking.
2. Women aren’t funny.
2. All women need to lose 30 pounds.

Yes, it has gone up.

As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I could fight all of you all at the same time with my hands tied behind my back and my pants on backwards. So fuck you.

Gay marriage is wrong.

My mother has a gay hairdresser. During one of my yearly conversations with her, the topic of gay marriage came up. Before any of you smart asses ask, I didn’t bring it up and she didn’t bring it up because she thinks I’m gay. Also, she doesn’t think I’m gay. This is what she said of the Prop-Hate sensation.

‘Carlo wants me to keep all my fingers crossed that this gay marriage thing doesn’t go through.’
‘Why is that?’ I said.
‘That’s what I asked him. He says he can tell that his boyfriend really wants to get married, and that getting married would completely ruin their gay sex life.’

Son of a bitch, I thought. They’ve done it again. Women ruined gayness. Women and their crazy obsession with marriage ruined the commitment-free sanctuary of gayness for all gay men.

When America decided that slavery was unjust, we didn’t make all white people slaves too, we ended slavery. Find one way in which marriage is different. [Read more]

The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’

Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and boobs all wrapped in a fabric casing that cost ten times more than it should. How the fuck is a flannel shirt $89 at American Apparel? Since when did lumberjacks and lesbians spend more than a steak dinner on their work clothes? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

The point is, women wouldn’t know physical definition if it was staring them in the face — even if it had only 3% body fat like Nicolas Cage in Con Air. That’s because men are better than women at going to the gym. [Read more]

I was getting so many text messages from hot babes on New Year’s Eve that my phone overloaded and permanently shut down. At least that’s what the technician at the Verizon store told me and I have no reason to doubt him. Not only does that mean I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women — but it also means that it’s a new year, and thus time for a Dick Masterson Annual Man Challenge.

Congratulations to all of you who passed my Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge. It was a tough one and by my estimation only two of you actually passed, but you all had fun trying.

Now buckle up your boners, gentlemen, because even you two returning gladiators are going to need an extra set of nuts to beat this year’s Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge. [Read more]

NASA finally put a woman in charge of a spacewalk and guess what happened. Fuck ups happened. That’s what always happens when you combine women and space. Remember the Challenger explosion? That probably happened because there was a woman aboard.

Earlier today, while doing routine maintenance on a solar panel, dozy astro-broad Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper let a crucial bag of tools float off into space. I highly recommend you watch the video (at the bottom of this article) because reading about a woman screwing up is never as satisfying as watching it happen.

The dead silence you hear as Heidemarie stupidly watches her tools float away is a thousand men at Mission Control simultaneously not saying the same thing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” [Read more]

This article also marks my appearance in the SuperFrat/Dick Masterson cross-over comic, as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective. Check it out for more reasons why thinking that women are shit at everything is a good idea.

While on Dr. Phil, I offhandedly referred to my work as the Art of Chauvinism. Little did I know how brilliant that was.

The Art of Chauvinism is the application of one simple universal principle: Men Are Better Than Women. It’s true from the day we’re born to the day we die. It’s true in every single facet and function of life. It’s true for the smallest of insects to the largest of professional wrestlers. Peacocks are better than peahens, men are better than women at loading a dishwasher, and Mars is better than Venus. If you spend enough time on Venus, your fucking face will melt off.

Chauvinism solves all of life’s mysteries and it will get you laid. But here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Chauvinism is also guaranteed to make you more money! [Read more]

Welcome fellows and gentlemen to the Dick Masterson/Super Frat crossover comic event!

Stay tuned all month to find out how I save the day as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective — and maybe teach the boys at Lambda Sigma Rho something about the Art of Chauvinism.

While reading this amazing comic, I thought of something profound.

Men are better than women at comics. [Read more]

This letter was sent to me from America’s Heartland.

Dear Dick,

I live in Nebraska where anyone with a decent job can afford to buy a house. Recently, I’m seeing a trend in the amount of women who feel that they can AND SHOULD buy their own house. “How the fuck do these women expect to mow the lawn?” I asked a friend of mine who is buying a house. She replied, “You.” After I finished laughing, she asked if she could borrow my lawnmower to do it. “How are you going to get the mower from my house to yours?” I said. She replied, “Your truck.”

Property ownership for women should be discouraged, starting at the real estate agent.

CE in Nebraska.

Well said, CE in Nebraska. Women should not own property.

A woman owning property is like giving a monkey a dog on a leash. It doesn’t mean the monkey has a pet. It means some idiot tied a dog to a monkey.

Women owning property doesn’t mean that they themselves aren’t property.

But what’s the worst that could happen? So a few women buy a few houses and fuck them up, it’s not like that will fuck up the entire global economy, right?

Wrong. Women caused the subprime mortgage meltdown. [Read more]