“Hi. Um, you know, it’s really, really unfortunate what happened today. Thoughts and prayers are with him, with his family and hopefully he can get back on the track soon and be able to do what he loves. Thank you.” - Danica Patrick

What the man in question “loves” is not getting hit by race cars — specially race cars driven by professional cocktease and race car driver Danica Patrick.

Last week, Danica Patrick proved once and for all that women do belong in professional car racing. They belong in the winner’s circle in a bikini, blasting cheap champagne all over celebrating men with awesome mustaches.

Women do not belong in the drivers seat. Women never belong in the driver’s seat. [Read more]

Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like children.

Didn’t accomplish anything this time around, sweetheart? That’s okay. Give it another shot after we bend the fuck out of the rules.

Scratch that. Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like spoiled children — who get do-overs and freebies until they’re chucking batteries at homeless people out the sunroof of their father’s BMW.

Well-raised kids get stuck with Dick Soup if that’s what they ordered. Do-overs are not a part of man-parenting. Do-overs are for ladies. [Read more]

If you thought about that question, you’re a woman. Fuck off my website.

Below is a short segment of the television show TMZ covering my appearance on Dr. Phil. Yes, TMZ calls me a “douche”. Yes, TMZ calls me an “actor”. But watch this clip “between the lines” and you’ll discover something mancredible.

TMZ agrees with me.

Which of these assholes would you hire to run your company?

I’m going to explain why you chose the one you did because I like explaining obvious shit in a humorous way. That’s why I wrote Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

What could be more obvious than men are better than women? Look at the size of our fucking heads! [Read more]

Remember to pick up your signed copy of Men Are Better Than Women at OprahisGoingtoShit.com. Each signed book comes with a limited edition 8×10 of yours truly.

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Women are the only creatures on the planet dumb enough to think their birthday is an actual holiday. Birthdays are not holidays. Just like weddings, coffee, pets, and anniversaries that don’t end in and also are “0″; birthdays are not a big deal.

A woman once told me that I had to be nicer to her because it was her “birthday week.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Men are better than women at having birthdays. Men are so much better than women at birthdays that I don’t even know when my birthday is. [Read more]

Men, thanks for the calls. Women, stop calling me. [Read more]